Last night I delivered a writer craft talk for Pikes Peak Writers. Usually what happens with this kind of thing is extreme anxiety before the talk, then beating myself up afterwards. I was very anxious beforehand, but it went well, and on the way home I just focused on not punishing myself. “You didn’t do XYZ correctly,” went the self-talk, but I examined it and found that it was really about the fact that I tried. Not that I wasn’t perfect, but that I had put myself forward at all.
Ah, yes. Midwestern upbringing strikes again.
This morning, I’m still struggling with the dread that something terrible is going to happen to me. From the end of the journaling this morning:
Self-promotion is going to have to become a rather strenuous, ill-balanced exercise in self-faith. I did this! I believe in it! Exercise: working out weak muscles that are wobbly and shaky. Getting done and feeling nauseous. You can believe in yourself in one aspect and not others, the same way you can overwork one set of muscles and the other won’t magically become strong (just out of wishing they would). And getting out in the real world and doing [ things that require self-faith] is never quite the same… Upping the weight of self-faith, upping the reps. Planning ahead for days with no willpower.
So at least for a little while, I’m going to write down my “self-promotion” tasks as “self-faith” in order to remind me that it’s not just my work that I’m putting in front of others, but my freedom to be an actual person with free will and a chance of success that I’m building up. Strength.
Today! If you like this post, please “follow” me on Amazon. Unless you’re anti-Amazon, and then just follow me somewhere else. Because [deep breath] I’m pretty awesome.