People who are afraid of upsetting assholes also warp reality.
Assholes, by our definition here, are missing an awareness of anything beyond themselves in the present moment. Anything that threatens an asshole’s sense of who they are or their sense of being in control causes them to split off unacceptable, flawed, or weak parts of themselves. They then move those parts onto other people, eventually lashing out at them.
This doesn’t help, though, and the asshole escalates, quickly spiraling out of control.
“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
It’s almost like assholes think of the world as a dream and themselves as the only lucid dreamer. When they can’t control something inside the dream, the dream gets scarier, as if the dream itself is attacking them, and they feel their sense of control slipping even further. And so on.
The only way to stop the spiral is for them to get that sense of control back.
It’s their dream, after all. Why shouldn’t it be a pleasant and safe one?
Unfortunately, regaining a sense of control over reality itself can’t really be done alone; there has to be a buffer zone of some kind, or reality is just gonna rear its ugly head again.
Which means other people have to step up and protect the asshole from reality. They also have to protect the asshole from knowing that they have to be protected.
As far as an asshole knows, they’re the only real people inside a weird fucking dream; they have to think of themselves as somehow better.
Braver. More charming. More able to make decisions in a crunch. Wiser. More able to persevere ill fortune. More humble. Sweeter. Nicer. More loyal. More authentic. More clever. Sneakier. More innocent. More deserving—or just in need of—love and protection.
Something.
If they can’t think of themselves as better, then…they’re just another figment of a dream.
In other words, not real.
Most people have ongoing states of consciousness that keep them from feeling unreal in the first place; others feel less than really real but blame themselves, not the entire universe.
Assholes blame the universe. All of existence itself.
The rules should be different for them.
Every rule should lean in their favor. Including the rules about death.
Unfortunately, reality is real, at least functionally. (Let’s not get into the spiritual, philosophical, and sci-fi stuff where the universe is just a simulation.)
Which means assholes are gonna spiral. Unless they’re protected from reality.
Placating and mitigating assholes can be a valued career, relationship, and lifestyle choice. All you have to do is absorb everything that might upset the asshole, including the consequences of their actions.
Problem is, it doesn’t fucking last. Trying to accommodate an asshole never actually satisfies them, over time. How could it? Assholes are in a war against reality itself. Which means the more people try to accommodate the asshole and keep them from spiraling, the more the burden of protection…grows.
The number of topics that can’t be discussed grows. The number of rituals that have to be performed grows. The craving for reassurance grows. The insistence on authority grows. The intolerance of other people’s autonomy grows.
After all, if people can’t buffer you from reality, it just means they aren’t trying hard enough.
When confronted by an asshole’s increasing demands, some people walk away.
Some people stay because of perceived obligations, love, or leverage over resources. Power.
Some people break and collapse.
Some people go flat and numb, losing all sense of personality. You can’t get hurt if there’s nobody there to hurt.
Some people seem to thrive, becoming increasingly resourceful and reliable, building transferable skills that they use to succeed in other parts of their lives. “I’m the strong one,” they tell themselves. “I can manage the asshole’s symptoms easily. It’s fine.”
Some people roll their eyes and treat the assholes like children.
Some people keep interactions to a minimum, being polite and firmly sticking to their boundaries.
Some people argue with the asshole, trying to wake them up to reality.
Some people cackle privately and try to stir the asshole up, because it’s fun to watch an asshole get jerked around by their own insecurities.
—I’ve tried all these things in order to manage the assholes around me. And in times of hurt and anger, I’ve had all these things done to me by people who don’t know how to handle other people, except to treat them like assholes. This sucks.
And yet none of these techniques work, long term.
They are, at best, temporary solutions: learning how to handle assholes doesn’t mean much, when everywhere you look there are more assholes, each of them warping reality, and usually surrounded by people who help them do it, who are themselves surrounded by people who help them do it.
Everywhere you look: assholes and people who are trying to keep the assholes from spiraling out of control. People, relationships, groups, communities, systems, institutions: everything fucking warped by assholes.
All because we’re trying to make assholes be something they’re not:
Grownups anchored in reality.
Next time let’s talk about how to handle people, whether they’re assholes or not, who are currently Not Handling Reality Well. And let’s talk about how to do it sustainably.
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You can find the Asshole Mitigation Plan series outline here.
