Ann loaned me a book, Stuff White People Like, by Christian Lander.
There’s a website, too.
Now, most of this book does not apply to most white people, but most of it applied to me–either directly or because I know someone who’s like that.
As the temperature starts to drop, many white people are forced to start wearing winter coats. Though many will simply don outdoor performance gear, a great number will turn to the #1 white winter jacket of all time: The Pea Coat.
The Pea Coat was originally worn by sailors and members of the European Navy. If you think about it for a second, this means that the coat is European, Coastal, and Vintage. Three of white people’s favorite things.
Another common characteristic of the coat is that white people will write their names on the label inside the coat. This is not done for fear of theft, but rather as a necessary precaution against party mixups. You see, when a white person attends a party in the winter time they will often be required to put their jacket in a room with literally dozens of other pea coats! Since these coats often contain ticket stubs to the same concerts and identical Trader Joe’s receipts, it can be impossible to find the original owner without a name written inside.
Like with sweaters, the process of acquiring a Pea Coat is almost as important as the coat itself. Fashionable white people can purchase designer pea coats for well over $1000, but the top ranked white people purchase their at Army Surplus stores. This makes them feel better than the white people have spent thousands of dollars on an identical piece of clothing.
But perhaps the greatest value of the pea coat is its ability to help you determine which non-white people have been accepted into the ranks of white people. It is not known if the coat is given to them in an elaborate ceremony or if they buy it themselves, but in either case by wearing the coat they are telling the world that they have white friends.
Long story short, if you want to increase your popularity with white people this winter, get a Pea Coat.
I’m tempted to get this book for my mother–not because she’s the Right Kind of White Person, but because it’s about exactly the kind of person she likes to make fun of, namely, her children.
There’s even an entry about grammar.