Girls & Farts

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that girls fart.

What surprises me, though, is that my daughter farts like a boy.  What I would consider a boy.  At home, she’ll be doing something, and just fart.  She won’t hold it in, sneak off to the bathroom, and discreetly wander back into the conversation.


It’s vrrrrp.  Right out loud.  As if…as if there were no shame in it.  If I glare at her, she’ll say, “Excuse me.”  Or giggle.  But it certainly isn’t something for her to be embarrassed about.  I’m the weird one, to her.  I have this strange hangup about gas.

At first I tried to fight it.

I tried making fun of her.  I tried insisting that she apologize each and every time she farted.  Or burped.  Now I’m picking my battles:  it’s that gollum noise that she makes in the back of her throat when she has a cold, unswallowing her phlegm.  I can’t stand that noise.  It’s pukey.  It has come down to a choice between fighting the farts and fighting the gollum noise, it really has.

She’s not going to grow up to be a lady.

She probably won’t even know how to fake it.

I have to ask, though:  how bad of a thing is that?

Instead of teaching her to cross her legs, I’m teaching her that it’s important that she follow her obsessions, that if she doesn’t want to work in an office environment every day, she needs to find something crazy to do.

Instead of teaching her to keep her gas to herself (not that I didn’t try), I’m ending up teaching her that even if she doesn’t get boobs or her period before she’s sixteen, she will probably still turn out to be fully female.  I’m teaching her it’s okay to talk about these things….to blather on about them, as a matter of fact.

Instead of teaching her about being nice to people above all else (it would be a wasted effort; she’s already naturally sweet), I’m teaching her about how to blow off insults.  Acutally, this is a lie.  She’s teaching me about blowing off insults.  Sometimes I look over her shoulder at her chat window for some video game and my eyes just about bug out.  My generation…we fight this kind of thing.  We’re on a real crusade against it.  My daughter?  She goes, “Oh, Mom.   It’s just a griefer.   Just ignore them.”

In my world, I have to fight bullies.  In her world, they just aren’t worth the time.

I think I like her world better.

I don’t know if I can change that much that I can fit in.  But I have high hopes for her world, nonetheless.

If you appreciated this post, I could use some help.  I’m trying to get book #1 in the Exotics Series (which is a kids’ book under my kids’ pseudonym, De Kenyon) to go free on Amazon.  Amazon gets cranky about this when you don’t do it their way (which involves signing up for Amazon exclusivity). I don’t particularly care for doing it the Amazon way, so I’m going to bat my eyelashes and request your help in making Amazon price-match other websites where I’m already giving the book away for free.

So if you’d like to help, follow these steps:

  1. Click on this link, which will take you to the Exotics #1 Amazon page.
  2. Scroll down a bit to the Product Details section.
  3. At the bottom of that section, right before the reviews, is a link that says “tell us about a lower price.”  Click that link.
  4. A popup window for “Tell Us About A Lower Price” will appear.
  5. There are two radio buttons under “Where did you see a lower price?”  Click the button for Website (online).
  6. A bunch of fields will appear.
  7. Copy one of these two website links and paste it in the URL: field:
  8. Type 0 in the Price ($): field.
  9. Type 0 in the Shipping ($): field.
  10. Click the Submit Feedback button.
  11. The window should say, “Thank you for your feedback.”  Click the Close Window button.
  12. Done!

Thank you!!!  Incidentally, if you want the first book, you can get it from B&N or Apple or Smashwords for free.  And soon, I hope, on Amazon…



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