The Asshole Mitigation Plan

The Asshole Mitigation Plan is something I’ve been working on (and putting off working on) for a long time. And my brain says that we are writing this now.

It’s always relevant.

The general idea I’ll be poking at is this:

ACCOMMODATING ASSHOLES IS NOT A VIABLE LONG-TERM STRATEGY.

I mean, common sense, right? And yet people do it. There’s always some freaking excuse, a narrative about how we have to take the high road or be the bigger person, about how they need us and/or we need them, how we all need to get along and not live inside a bubble. Or how we’re all a little bit of an asshole sometimes.

And now the assholes who can’t anticipate the consequences of their own actions are setting fire to the planet, and, because that’s not happening fast enough, are cheering on Shitler so he murderizes us all faster.

There are people who are taking the high road and people who are dumping water all over ICE’s driveways in Minnesota winter weather out of spite.

Just so you know, I’m with the people operating out of spite. I’m not trying to be noble here. I don’t have any illusions about some of the people who are pitting themselves against Shitler: some of them are assholes. I don’t believe getting anything accomplished politically is a morally chaste process. I have a serious distrust of anyone who pitches anything in black-and-white terms.

AND YET.

ACCOMMODATING ASSHOLES IS NOT A VIABLE LONG-TERM STRATEGY.

Busyness

So where to start today? Do we walk away from abusive friends, family members, spouses, employers, institutions en masse? No. That’s a black-and-white solution. Either/or. Sometimes that’s the right solution–but it’s not the only one.

This is not an “exterminate the assholes” or “starve the assholes” or even “punish the assholes” plan.

This is a “minimum effort, maximum gain” plan about changing yourself and leveraging the butterfly effects that flow outward from that.

Other people have come up with similar answers; this isn’t anything new. And in the end, I’m building this for me, to hit the next phase of disenfucking the narratives that I was brainwashed with.

Here’s a decent place to start:

Observing Busyness.

If you are always busy, you probably have or have had an asshole in your immediate circles. If you feel guilty for relaxing, you probably have or have had an asshole in your immediate circles. If doing things that makes you feel energized, safe, content, rested, healthy, and/or sane makes you feel bad, you probably have or have had an asshole in your immediate circles. If you feel bad not doing something when someone asks you to do it (even when you’re too busy to do it), you probably have or have had an asshole in your immediate circles.

The asshole might be you, granted. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t *another* asshole out there brainwashing you and/or taking advantage of your previous brainwashing.

Constant busyness is draining. It also takes up the time, resources, and brainpower necessary to make real, serious changes.

The busyness that you choose for yourself is your own business. The busyness that you don’t choose for yourself–that you’re manipulated into by others–is our concern here.

Ways to observe outside influences to busyness:

• Schedule a period of rest and ask others to respect it. See who interrupts.
• Draw a line about when you will or will not do various types of work. It should be a clear, meaningful line. See who tries to get you to cross that line.
• Observe who comes into your space only in order to make a mess, join in/start an argument, criticize, ask for favors, or get attention, even if you are on the “same side.”

You don’t have to do anything about any of your observations.

The practice here isn’t making effective change. The practice here is just making the observation in the first place.

IT IS HARD TO OBSERVE WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED NOT TO OBSERVE.

Everyone wants to think that they have clear vision while everyone else’s vision is skewed. But wow is this not true. I got out of an abusive marriage of 20+ years and was shocked that 1) what was happening to me was physical, mental, emotional, and financial abuse, 2) that I might have any worth outside of making my abuser(s) happy, and 3) that when my daughter told me to go to therapy, the therapist wasn’t mean to me.

And I’m not the worst example I know of people not being able to see what’s right in front of their faces. The whole thing about MAGA cultists looking at the videos of the murder of Renee Good and seeing what they were told to see—that Good tried to run over an ICE agent with her car—has zero surprise for me. And it’s not just conservatives doing this. There are tons of things that liberals are doing that are just as blind. Since my audience is mostly liberal, I’m not gonna point those out just now, though. Because they’re too hard to see and will cause you to stop listening. This isn’t a political thing. Assholes are pervasive, and they employ pervasive brainwashing tactics.

Seeing a “normal” person’s brainwashing kick in is scary. It’s a real thing.

Now is not the time to fight with that, though.

So don’t try to label anyone an asshole yet. Don’t worry about labeling other people’s behavior as good or bad (or your own). Just focus on observing who interrupts and disrupts you. Don’t judge the reasons they do so as good or bad, either. Just observe the interruption. And the next one. And the one after that.

If it seems like too much (and really it IS a lot), here are some concrete suggestions for Very Small Steps:

• Scheduled period of rest: say “I’m going to sit down for five minutes to rest quietly” during a period of time where this is reasonable but you are normally interrupted (e.g., on work breaks, between supper and cleanup).
• Say, “I’m done for the day” after your last actual, agreed-upon commitment for the day (not something you habitually do, something someone actually asked you to do and you agreed to). See who asks for more effort.
• Observe how you feel after a person has left or stopped interacting with you for the day. Charged up, happy, and more able to do what you need to do, or less? In the moment, you may feel good. But how do you feel afterwards?
• If doing those things are still too hard (and they probably will be), then observe when it happens to other people. Not you.

No judgment now. Only observation. Sometimes, the people doing the interrupting are NOT the assholes, but have been prodded or brainwashed into doing an asshole’s work.

So, seriously, no judgment now.

If you are not getting interrupted, that’s something to note, too. Especially if you find yourself jumping up to do something, unable to let yourself rest (or, if you’re dragging other people into your shenanigans, to let other people rest, either).

Something else to ponder: How fast do you come up with ways to justify the interruptions or else re-define them as not-interruptions?

Not sure what I’ll write down next, but I have stuff.