Pointless reply. Oh well. A forewarning of sex and uncomfortable issues.

I read a couple of useless tirades–located at a bastion of geekines—over Lee’s shoulder last night: here are the things, they claimed, that men just wish women would know. And I went through the same cycle I always go through: humor, anger, self-questioning, more anger, and the desire to shoot my mouth off. You know what? It doesn’t matter if it’s a guy thing or a chick thing anymore. I’m sick of seeing those e-mails (so if you’re reading this, make a note: no more “war of the sexes” stuff, ok?) and hearing those conversations. It isn’t funny anymore.

But anyway, here’s the pointless reply I have for that damn list of complaints and whines about the female sex (and this isn’t directed to my husband, who happens to be one of the more fair people I know):

One of the reasons women raise the toilet-seat controversy is that the underside (mostly due, admittedly, to female secretions, but male b.m. splashovers register, too) is gross. And you know what? The rim is gross, both for the same reason and also because of male drippage. And you know what else? There’s usually a yellow streak leading from the male drippage onto the floor. Because you guys do drip, just as females do splash. Another one of the reasons is that men, for the most part, don’t do their share of toilet-cleaning. Here’s the deal: you want to leave the lid up, do half the bathroom cleaning. Unless you’re a dripper, then do weekly drippage checks to make sure you haven’t left a puddle on the floor or running down the front of the toilet. Some of us have kids running around and putting stuff in their mouths, OK?

Here’s a shocker: women are screwed up about sex. Wanna know why? One out of four women will be raped in her lifetime…and those are the rapes we know about (the stats are one out of nine for men). There are more, I’m sure, who have been molested, abused, harrassed, pressured, or manipulated sexually. My guess is very nearly 100%, all told. Take a look at the women around you: if they haven’t had some kind of sexually disabilitating event occur, then someone close to them has–even if nobody knows about it. So if you get turned down again and again, keep this in mind: she might find you sexually attractive, she may even love you, but sometimes she just doesn’t want sex. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her libido.

What’s the obsession with looks, weight, clothing, shoes? For most women, beauty is like strength for most men. A skinny guy faces up to a guy who’s built, and they both know who could take whom down. Even if it isn’t true because of guns, martial arts training, what have you — this is what Lee tells me — they both just know it. It’s the same thing for women. When a woman’s asking you if her butt looks too big, or if she looks good in a particular outfit, she’s not just looking for your approval. She wants to know if she can face down someone if she must, male or female. Believe me, sometimes the only thing between you and being attacked or harrassed by either gender is the knowledge that something about you is sexually attractive. Guys will push around ugly girls–when they notice them–a hundred times more than they’ll dare push around the gorgeous blondes of this world. And god help you if you’re overweight. Or possessing anything less than total self-confidence.

Women, unless they received compassionate, considerate training (this relates to the item above about women being screwed up sexually), will not take your fantasy life well. Why? The great unwashed mass of males don’t understand testosterone or know how to deal with the effects. Consider this. To women, the guys of this world who haven’t figured it out are like one of those really bad, bad women on PMS that make everyone run screaming, only for men it’s 100% of the time. (Testosterone affects emotions much the same way that estrogen does. Estrogen triggers the menstrual cycle, causing PMs in some women once a month. To women, men who don’t know how to deal with it seem like they’re on the rag 100% of the time.) So guys, when you’re bringing up your fantasies and the chicks aren’t digging them, it’s not because your fantasies are innately sick and wrong. It’s because you’re over the top, and you’re just a leeetle bit scary: you remind us of the guys that Done Us Wrong at that moment, more so than any other moment, unless it’s in the middle of oral sex and you’ve decided that You’re In Charge Now.

Speaking of which, regarding sex: most women aren’t innately blessed with the ability to orgasm easily, especially regarding straight intercourse. They’re built wrong for it. Women are built to survive giving birth. Because of various screwed up sex issues, they may not know how to have an orgasm; if they do, they may not know how to have one quickly, consistently, or even pleasurably. Know what else? Your penis isn’t built to bring a woman to orgasm (althoug it may, by happy chance, help). It’s built to deliver semen. There isn’t anything insulting, immoral, or impotent about doing whatever must be done in order to make sex mutually pleasurable, nay, orgasmic. Women don’t get blue balls physically; they get blue balls of the soul. Constantly giving pleasure without getting anything but frustration back…sound familiar? It’s called payback.

Men aren’t as simple as they make themselves out to be. You have your own little manipulations, your own little games that you play with women’s heads, your own screwed-up needs. Case in point: the silent treatment is not equivalent to rational conversation in an arguement. If you and a woman get into an arguement, and you stop talking or start responding with sarcasm or monosyllables, you are no longer participating in a rational conversation. You really are doing the equivalent of screaming at the top of your lungs, or worse, because you’re pretending to be rational while you’re doing it.

Bear with me a little longer.

What I’m saying here is not that men are evil. Men aren’t evil; they’re stupid, just like women, for the most part. Just like women, they don’t think through the consequences of their own actions or the root of other people’s actions. Instead of bitching abou women, ask for compassion (whether you think you ought to have to ask for it or not). Instead of trying to convince a woman that you’re right or that you even have a valid point–instead of jumping to conclusions or throwing out solutions before you understand what’s going on–ask why is it that she wants things to be different than you want them to be. Humbly request sexual instruction, and don’t fret if the answer is “I don’t know.” When you get in an arguement, take turns. Make sure that you don’t respond to someone’s pain with “So what?” or “You hurt me first.”

Whew. That having been said, I also have to add that those things were dead on about one thing in particular:

Women.

Don’t hint.

It’ll never, ever work. Guys don’t see it as being polite. They either see it as being manipulative, or they don’t see it at all.

I want is a peftectly good way to begin a sentence. Even if you don’t get what you want.

It really isn’t the things we do, is it? It’s the way we handle it all.