July 2011

You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2011.

Now at Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, Amazon.com, and OmniLit.

Rain on someone else’s parade by getting your copy free this weekend using code PR29R at Smashwords.

Monsoon

by DeAnna Knippling

As Kate Jenkins pointed out, this book is Eat, Pray, Love for sarcastic people.

Too old to flirt with the Norwegian meditation teacher.  Too young for menopause.

Imperfections only exist after you finish a project; until then, they’re opportunities.  After Randi finishes her latest project, she runs like hell and winds up at a ten-day Buddhist retreat in India.  Instead of providing her with a distraction, it exposes her to the terrors of her unplanned, wasted life:  middle-aged, loveless, and translating pulp fiction into Tibetan at bargain-basement rates.

Monsoon season is over.

One day, you’re hoping that the ledge in front of your door that’s meant to keep out ghosts is also high enough to keep the rain on the steps from blowing under your door; the next, you’re thinking, I think I saw a monkey on top of the next roof down the mountain; the day after that, you’re thinking, I have to get out of this place.

The water…the earth gives birth to water, screaming and thrashing and threatening her husband. The instinct to hole up in a safe place until it’s over, but of course you can’t. The storm lasts for months, and the lack of refrigerator in my apartment is a kind of hell. Real Indians act like it’s nothing big. I drink a lot of coffee and eat a lot of dal. Sometimes I scuttle from overhang to overhang, watching the tiny cars slewing through the streets. Water running down the street shoves them into the opposite lane, but they don’t slow down. The drivers who slow down too much have their engines stall and have to have their cars dragged out of the way by small groups of men cheered on by the old women from the laundry at the bottom of the hill. Two days ago I jumped over the runoff on the way to the market but was almost knocked off my feet on the way back, because the rain was coming down even harder than before, if that’s possible.

I pushed through the first draft of translating the trilogy on the advice of my neighbor downstairs, who is from Nepal but has been living here for nine years and promised me the monsoon would be over soon. I sent the “final” version off. Cult Sci-Fi surrealist novel in three parts, now safely ensconced in the Tibetan tongue. It was complete and utter crap. Aliens come to earth to worship (and destroy) HHDL based on a mistranslation of a radio transmission made in 1959 by Allen Ginsberg. Commando monks. The Deadly Lotus. Murder by sutra. Apparently HHDL thought the little bits that the author read to him via translator were funny. I hope he likes it, but I think if he does that it’ll kill my respect for him a little.

I hate finishing things. Until you sign off on something, a project never has flaws, only development opportunities. So, as usual after “finishing” a big project, I panicked and ran.

If you enjoy reading about a) India, b) spiritual seeking, or c) funny things that happen with monkeys, check out Fighting the Good Fight (by JC Andrijeski).  She recently went on a, ahem, very similar trip…this is the imaginary diary of another one of the women at the retreat.  I’m not really intending to portray anyone, just fascinated by her experiences.

 

Here’s the list of books that has made it over to the iBookstore:

De Kenyon:

A Picture is Worth 1000 Chomps
Attack of the 50-Foot Sushi Monster
Bunny Attack!
Class Pet from Beyond the Grave
Zombie Girl Invasion
 

DeAnna Knippling:

Abominable
A Fly in Amber
Death by Chocolate
Haunted Empire
Mother & Child
The Business That Must Be Conducted in the Dark
The Debt:  A Zombie Tale
 

Kitty Lafontaine:

Tales from the Pirate Moon 1
 

Check it out!

Jeremy Martinson of Ponies Studios built a new cover image for my novella Haunted Empire.

(Any problems with layout and font are mine, all mine.)

Isn’t it gorgeous?

Anyway, I put it on sale at Smashwords from today to the end of July for $1.50, using code SSW50.  A SF Adventure in the vein of Firefly/Serenity…

Now on Sale at Smashwords, B&N, Amazon, and OmniLit.

Feed your fear of snail mail by using coupon code SC54Q at Smashwords…

Things You Don’t Want But Have to Take

by DeAnna Knippling

She hid from the thing for years, but it found her and came to her in a box with no real return address and her own handwriting on the label.  She knew what would happen if she tried to fight the cold thing with its claws in her neck.  Her only hope was to hide it from her husband…

When it’s time, you know.

I opened my front door.  The deliveryman, a guy of about twenty with sun-streaked hair and the musculature of a young god, had his fist up in the air; either he was going to hit me, or he was just about to knock.

“Hey, Joe,” I said.  I plucked the signature pad out of his other hand before he could say boo and signed for the package.  “Do you want some chocolate chip cookies?” I asked.  “I made them last night.”  In fact, I’d had such a bad nightmare last night (about the box) that I hadn’t been able to go back to sleep.  I know, cookies, right?  But cookies are wholesome.  And they smell good.  I’d eaten about a dozen already.

Joe gaped at me and retrieved the signature pad.  “How do you know my name?”

I pointed at his nametag and walked into the kitchen.  The cookies were still a little bit warm.  “Want some milk?” I yelled into the hallway.

“No thanks,” Joe called back.  “Uh—”

I put the cookies on a paper plate and wrapped it with plastic wrap.  “You sure?”

No answer.  I brought them back out.  Joe had picked up the package and was staring at it.  He looked like he was about to vomit.  Probably from the smell emanating from the box.

You know, Joe reminded me of an old boyfriend I had, who was always trying to keep me out of trouble.  Hadn’t worked.  Joe looked up at me, and I knew he was going to try to run off with that box.

I hate it when people try to be noble.

“Trade you,” I said.

Joe hesitated.  “I—”

Damn it.

“I know,” I said.  “It smells.  It’s some really stinky cheese.”

“It isn’t cheese, ma’am.  Let me get rid of it.  Nobody needs to know.”

I hate it when people call me ma’am.  But I’m married to a company man and stay home all day.  I wear color-coordinated pants and sandals and get matching manicures.  So I guess I can’t complain.  It’s what I’ve made myself look like, after all.  Protective coloration.

Something heavy in the box shifted across the bottom, rattling the packing peanuts.

 

 

 

 

“Lewis Carroll does Inception. Lots of fun dreams-within-dreams stuff that’s full of more than enchantment than frightening suspense. And a must for cat lovers.” - Fiero Publishing/Terry Hayman.

I think I’m going to use that first line as a blurb….

 

Now at Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and OmniLit.

This weekend, follow the Jennings brothers into Hell…using Smashwords code YK23B.

Chance Damnation

A Tale of the Weird West

by DeAnna Knippling

One little girl.  Buffalo-demons stampede out of the earth to steal one little half-blood girl, and everything changes.  Aloysius’s little brother Jerome goes missing with her–two inseparable kids whose friendship is damned from the beginning–as demons replace the newly dead.

A priest with a tainted Bible.  A brother with a taste for blood and demon flesh.   A fool with a passion for the machinery of Hell.  Only Aloysius and his brothers can see the transformation–and there’s not a damned thing they can do about it.  Then Jerome returns:  he has found a way down into the demons’ Hell, where they twist the little girl’s tortured dreams into a paradise of their own, a place to escape the demons who, in turn, haunt them.

Because this is a novel, I’m putting up the first chapter…

Chapter 1

Buffalo County, South Dakota, 1960

 

Jerome stared up at Celeste Marie on the top of the pile of dirt outside the church in Gray Hill. She was standing with her hand shading her eyes from the sun, and the wind was blowing her shining black hair. They were both just kids—fifth graders—but someday, he was going to marry her, and there would be problems.

“Look,” she said.

“At what?”

“Over there.” She pointed at something on the other side of the hill.

Jerome climbed to the top of the hill beside her. His feet sank into the loose dirt, dried to a crust on top with wet clay just underneath. They were running water from the new well to the church, and there were trenches and pits in the ground all over the place.

Jerome shaded his eyes and squinted, but it was no good. He’d left his hat inside the church, and he couldn’t go after it or his father or somebody would remember it was time to go home and sit at the long table for dinner and say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” and “may I go now?” Yet his blue eyes were no good in the sun.

“What is it?” he asked.

“A demon.” She stood on tiptoe, grabbed his arm.

“There’s no such thing as demons. It’s a bull.”

“It’s not a bull. Too many horns. Oh!” The dirt shifted from underneath her, and she slid down the hill. She tried to grab his arm but lost hold.

The dirt shifted under Jerome, too, and he tried to both stop himself from falling and grab Celeste Marie at the same time. All of a sudden, he knew they were in danger. It wasn’t a question of looking back later and wondering if he had known; he knew.

“Run!” he shouted.

The dirt shifted again and he went down on hands and knees, sliding to the bottom. He pushed backward from the dirt hill and got to his feet. The ditch where the pipes were going to be buried was between him and Celeste Marie.

Celeste was standing up again and staring into space. “Look at them run!”

That damned girl. He carefully checked the ground, then jumped over the ditch and pulled her by the back of her shirt. “Come on, Celeste Marie.”

The dirt hill was starting to fall down like a milkshake being sucked up from underneath. Jerome pulled Celeste Marie away from the hill, toward the cemetery. Not that the cemetery was important; that’s just where the one safe direction was, for the moment.

He didn’t run, and he didn’t do any more shouting. He led Celeste Marie among the graves to the big statue of Jesus kneeling. They’d be safer back there, out of sight.

“We have to go back,” Celeste Marie said.

“What for?”

“We have to get in the back of Peggy’s pickup truck and have her drive us out of here before the demons check the graveyard.”

Jerome sighed—she couldn’t have said something two minutes ago?—and led her back toward the church’s gravel parking lot, stopping behind his sister Peggy’s pickup truck so they couldn’t be seen. He peeked through the dirty window toward the church. The hill was a hole in the ground now. Jerome shaded his eyes and saw something moving underneath.

From the front of the church, Mr. Blackthorn hollered, “Celeste Marie!”

Celeste Marie jerked like she’d just got woken up and started to take a breath. Jerome slapped a hand over her mouth.

From the dirt hole, something grunted.

Jerome murmured in her ear, “I ain’t ready to get killed yet, are you?”

Celeste Marie shook her head.

“Let’s pretend we didn’t hear your dad.”

Celeste Marie grinned around his hand. Her sweat smelled like bread, and he could feel her big front teeth under his fingers. He let her go.

“Okay,” she said. “But only for a little while. Until the demons are gone. They’re right over there.” She stepped out from behind the truck to point into the wheat field with her brown stick arm.

Jerome jerked her back behind the pickup truck. “You got to be better at hiding than that.”

Celeste Marie giggled as Jerome peeked from behind the back of the truck. Sure enough, the field was scattered with black dots running toward them, whatever they were.

Jerome coughed as an evil smell got up his nose and stung his eyes. Something grunted behind him. When he turned around to see what it was, he saw that he was face-to-face with something big, black, and ugly. Celeste Marie stared up at it as it reached for her.

Jerome dragged Celeste Marie out of the way and around the truck. Big Ugly was naked and hairy, with four curling horns and a big snout, and he walked on two legs. He followed them for a second, then doubled back around with his hands outspread, waiting to see which way they would go.

Jerome pushed Celeste Marie into the side of the pickup truck, grabbed her legs, and lifted her up. She bent at the waist and toppled into the truck, protesting: “This is a terrible place to hide.”

Jerome put his boot on the tire and boosted himself up behind her while the black thing circled toward them. There was a tarp in the back of the truck, held down with the cans of green paint and linseed oil they were using to paint the roof. Jerome pulled the tarp over Celeste Marie, in case it happened to do any good, picked up a gallon can of linseed oil, and swung it, hard.

If it hadn’t hit the demon, it would have smashed the back window of Peggy’s pickup truck, and then he would have been in trouble. But the full can hit the demon with a thump and bounced back. Jerome let the weight of the can carry it over his shoulder; then he swung the can over his head. The thing bellowed as the can cracked one of his horns.

“Celeste Marie!” Mr. Blackthorn shouted again. He sounded cross and impatient. He probably wanted her to go inside to help dust the pews or clean fingerprints off the windows or something.

“Coming!” Celeste Marie shouted. She struggled under the tarp and pushed it back.

Big Ugly was touching his horn and shaking his giant, shaggy head. He started to grab for Jerome, but Jerome swung the can again, and it knocked the demon’s muscled, hairy arm aside. Big Ugly growled and reached for him again.

More time.

Celeste Marie screamed. Her tiny body threw the heavy tarp out of the pickup truck and into Big Ugly’s face; then she pummeled the thing with the meat of her fists. “Leave him alone!”

Jerome would have laughed at how angry she sounded and how futile it was for her weak arms to pound at the demon if the demon hadn’t been big enough to pull her out of the truck bed and throw her to the moon.

“Celeste? Celeste Marie!” Mr. Blackthorn’s shouting sounded far, far away. Jerome shoved Celeste Marie out of the way.

The demon roared and the smell got worse; it was as bad as rotten Christmas oranges in July or Easter eggs in August.

Celeste said, “So that’s how you do it.” Jerome looked down; she had one of the cans of paint open and waiting. As far as he could tell, she’d used her bare hands to open it with. She picked up the can and held it carefully by the handle.

The moment Big Ugly stripped off the tarp, she hurled green paint into his eyes. The paint splattered the demon and splashed back over their church clothes.

“Hah!” Celeste Marie said. Then she shrieked as another one of the demons caught her from behind, right around her waist.

Big Ugly bellowed as Jerome leapt from the truck bed toward the second demon. He missed, as he knew he would, and landed on his knees. He got up and ran after the thing, which was running with Celeste Marie toward the dirt hole.

Jerome had a metal fence post in his hands; he didn’t know where he’d got it from, probably from the back of the truck. His arms didn’t want to move right, it was so heavy. He swung and missed. He swung again and hit the demon, right in the back, but the demon didn’t stop. The post was too heavy to swing again, so he charged with it, slamming it hard into the demon’s back, right at the spine.

The demon stumbled, dropping Celeste Marie and leaping over her, then skidding into the ground. Jerome followed and hit him again with the post, at the bottom of his neck this time. The post slid along its neck and got stuck in the crack between the top of his neck and the bottom of his head.

The demon went down on its knees. Celeste Marie kicked the demon with her sandals, and Jerome jerked the post out and swung hard, hitting the demon in the back of the head.

The metal post anchor got stuck in the thing’s head, and Jerome wasn’t strong enough to jerk it out this time. He screamed with the need to hurry.

Then someone was pulling him backward. He kicked and twisted but couldn’t escape. The next thing he knew, he was inside his sister Peggy’s truck with Peggy on one side and Celeste Marie on the other. He almost slid off the seat into the dashboard as the truck whirled out of the parking lot.

Celeste Marie stared at him up and down, hanging onto his arms with her tiny hands. “You’re green.”

Jerome looked around. Peggy was driving them down the gravel road away from church, which was surrounded by demons.

There was smoke.


The following book was not written by me, but by a family member.  Brittney’s her own girl :)  She really wanted to get the message out, in order to help people who are or have gone through a similar experience–loss of an unborn baby.

The book is up for free on Smashwords here.

Letters to Thorbin

Brittney L. Wentzel

August 5, 2010, was the best and the worst day of my life. On that day I married my best friend, my rock, my hero—and on the same day we lost our son, Thorbin, at 14 weeks due to heart complications. I wanted to share my story of this past year in hope of helping others who have gone though the same thing as we have.

June 2nd, 2010

Baby,

Your dad and I have been trying for you since October, and today on a whim I took a home test early in the morning, not thinking anything of it until in the window PREGNANT showed. I was so excited I ran into the bedroom to show your dad. He rolled over and said, “Is this real?”  “Of course, silly.” “Oh,” and he rolled back over to sleep. See what you have to look forward to, LOL.

I called right away to make an appointment with my doctor. Today is a very exciting day, not only because of you, but because we were signing on our first house. We went in to the doctor at 8 a.m. to get blood work done. First person we told was your grandma. She was so excited for us to get our blood work back. She called on her lunch break to see if we had news back from the doctor. “Don’t they know I have a heart condition and I just wanna know?”

Right before we walked in to sign our papers, the nurse called. “Congratulations, your blood work came back great, and you will be having a baby around February 5th.” I was so excited I just wanted to jump out of my skin! When we got home, I called all of my family in Oregon—your great-great grandparents all the way to your aunts and uncles, all very excited for you!

Just finding out about you, and I already love you more than anything in the world. Can’t wait to meet you!

Love always, your mommy.

 

Now on sale at SmashwordsBarnes & Noble, Amazon, and new!  Omnilit.

Try to put it all back together using the coupon code VV54J.

Family Gods

by DeAnna Knippling

The family god…the family curse.

A young soldier returns from a war to bury his mother, only to find that his wife has betrayed him.  His rage doesn’t come from his wife’s betrayal, but from the family god, a god of murder, fire, and anger that has haunted them for generations…and killed his mother.

“Aunt George,” I said. “I tried to kill my wife and baby girl yesterday.”

She reached across to the glove box and pulled out two cigars. Her eyes didn’t leave the road as she unwrapped one and handed me the other.

“Here. He likes the smoke.”

“Who?”

She bit the end off her cigar and spat it on the floor. “I’ll tell you later.”

“What about Serenity?”  My daughter, in the back seat.

“So open a window. There are worse things that could happen to her than a little cigar smoke.”

I lit Aunt George’s cigar, then mine. My lungs released after months of holding back half a breath. I leaned the seat back. Cornfields flashed by outside the window, countless fence posts, rolling hills decorated with black cows. I rolled down the window. The air smelled like coffee and manure.

“Tell me about it,” she said.

This story came out of a couple of different things that happened to people I know, from stories of soldiers returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan and not being able to cope anymore (and no wonder), and from the idea that there’s a “family personality,” a personality that shows up from generation to generation in families.  I know my family has several, which probably explains my mental problems.  To some degree.


I have reviews on “The Society of Secret Cats.”

Julie says:

I really enjoyed this – kind of like “Where the Wild Things Are” mixed with a bit of Lewis Carroll and a dash of J.R.R. Tolkien with the scary spider creatures. My only complaint really is that it seems almost like too big of a story for a short story…would love to see a novel with this world, or even a novella. It reminds me of those dark yet whimsical stories I loved most when I was a kid (and still do!)

And Karen says:

Dream time adventures that make me glad my cat sleeps with me!

In the interests of disclosure, I must say that they both got free copies of the story, and I know them.  But so very happy :)