Fiction: Things You Must Not Think When Visiting Mme. Bientot


Welcome to the Containment Facility of The Criminal Currently Known as Mme. Bientot

  • No pictures, film, or sketches of any kind.  No Exceptions.
  • No metal, glass, or other shiny objects, including pens and eyeglasses.
  • Do not think of your name, any nicknames or aliases; do not think of the names of your parents, children, or other loved ones; do not think of their faces.
  • Do not think of your worst fear, or, in fact, any other fear; Mme. Bientot will subtly guide you in manner that increases your fear into madness and/or hysteria.
  • Do not think about Mme. Bientot’s face; she has been known to use mirrors, windows, the reflections from diamond earrings, and the multifaceted eyes of insects in order to escape.  We believe she may develop the ability to escape via photographs, film, and nightmares soon.
  • You may consider Mme. Bientot’s name, as it is a false one which changes weekly.
  • In articles, you may refer to her as “the criminal currently known as Mme. Bientot” or the italicized female pronoun she or her.
  • Do not, under any circumstances, refer to Mme. Bientot as a “monster” or “freak,” as such claims only give her power in a literal and radioactive fashion.
  • If she hisses, you must immediately look at the floor and back slowly out of the room.  While it may seem as though Mme. Bientot is completely and entirely restrained with no possibility of escape, this is not, and shall never be, the case.
  • Ignore the screams.
  • All persons who pass this sign are required to take a battery of blood and urine tests, including a pregnancy test, upon leaving.   No Exceptions.
  • Any person who is, or suspects they may be, pregnant may not enter.  All fetuses discovered upon leaving the area will be aborted, and the bodies (including the host’s) destroyed.
  • Partial fetuses will also be destroyed.
  • Any person claiming Mme. Bientot is unjustly imprisoned will be destroyed.
  • Nonreflective goggles (provided in the bin below) are strongly recommended, due to the sudden urge to impale pens, pencils, and even crayons in the eyes.
  • It should go without saying that any person feeling urges toward self-harm are strongly recommended to look at the floor and back slowly out of the room; unfortunately, we lose at least one person per month to suicide.  Know the Warning Signs.
  • You must not think upon the following subjects:  women, sex, childbirth, oral sex, homosexual relations (whether involving males or females), current political events especially of a violent or rebellious nature, people of races other than your own (as the case may be), people of genders other than your own, tranvestites, people of different classes other than your own (especially of lower classes), vampires, ghosts, hauntings, demons, angels, rapists, centaurs, psychologists, anal sex, repression, loneliness, depression, suicide, amusing photos of kittens who cannot spell correctly, religion, anti-religion, mermaids, harpies, mythological figures, bodily fluids (e.g., semen, feminine bodily secretions, mucous, vomit), internal organs, external organs (especially those related to reproduction and nutrition/excretion), the importance of laughing at jokes in which a man is horrifically turned into a female, the importance of laughing at jokes in which a white person is turned into a person of another race, the importance of laughing at jokes in which a heterosexual male is forced or tricked into behaving in a feminine or homosexual manner, the importance of sexual dominance, the importance of social dominance in matters religion and race, the importance of molding children to behave in accordance with current moral aspirations regardless of the evil this brings, the importance of repudiating new and/or unusual experiences as being “gay,” the importance of repudiating the existance of moral gray areas, the importance of mocking persons more concerned with ethics than morals, the importance of knowing one’s place in a heirarchy without ever naming this place “slavery,” the importance of possessing the appearance of strength and dominance while simultaneously yielding to one’s superiors, the belief in superiors, the belief in separate but equal treatment or “viva la difference,” the belief that the assignment of specializations (e.g., “jobs”) is the pinnacle of human development, the belief that the world is evil and shall soon be destroyed and replaced with a better world, a kinder world, a cleaner world, or no world at all; the belief that the world is good enough; any belief at all.  Our most successful visitors are often Buddhists, neuro-atypicals, or “shopoholic” coupon clippers/bargain shoppers.
  • While Mme. Bientot’s containment unit may appear empty, it is not.
  • While Mme. Bientot’s containment unit may appear occupied, that does not mean that she has not escaped.
  • While Mme. Bientot’s containment unit may appear to contain yourself or some variation of yourself (e.g., older, younger, of a different race, class, or gender), you must not think that you are in any way inside the containment unit yourself.  In some ways, this is the most important thought not to think of all.

 Thank you, and enjoy your visit.


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