I don’t wanna write about this: as soon as I knew what I was gonna choose to write about next, I started trying to avoid it. When I did start writing, I ranted for a while because I didn’t want to think about how bad I felt thinking about it. I deleted the rant, started over more honestly, and had to get up and grab some antacids after a few minutes, because writing about this gives me heartburn.
So let’s say you’ve been given a task. It seems pretty straightforward.
You do the task according to instructions.
And yet…the task is deemed to have been badly completed.
There are negative consequences for this.
You do another task. (Or the same one, a second time.)
Again, it is deemed to have been badly completed. More consequences occur: your fault. Always your fault.
Another task. Another failure. More consequences.
Eventually you begin tasks with the knowledge that each task will be deemed a failure, and that in order to avoid consequences at least some of the time, you must pre-admit that you have failed.
Anything that goes wrong is your fault.
It is always your fault.
And, moreover, you are not allowed to criticize this process or pretend that sucks.
You must maintain the pretense that what is happening is the best anyone could reasonably hope for, and that, moreover, any change to the process, that is, upsetting anyone invested in the process, is essentially worse than death. (This seems over the top from the outside, but this is what holds abuse victims in place. Think about what happens when you disagree with someone fragile over a deeply held belief. It’s never pretty.)
You must be so good at maintaining this pretense of failure that you cannot be forced, even in your sleep, to betray yourself.
You must believe that your failure to succeed is the natural order of affairs: you must believe that your failures are you, and that no other identity or sense of self exists.
You are a failure. A fuckup. Nothing else.
Most people will dismiss the early stages of this process, especially if it’s not happening to them.
“You’ve got to grow a thick skin if you want to…” “That’s just the way they are.” “You’re the boss!” “We all have to make compromises to get along.” “You’re new and you’re just learning.” “All you need to do is follow the rules.”
“All you need to do is obey the law.”
These statements are lies.
All of these kinds of statements are lies.
The real statement is: “Submit or be punished.”
It has nothing to do with how well you do your job, or navigate the DMV, or please a romantic partner.
Submit or be punished.
Sometimes you will fail at your task while exhibiting submission, and be rewarded for succeeding.
Sometimes you will succeed at the task you have been given while exhibiting submission, and still be punished for failing.
Your success or failure does not matter to an unmitigated asshole.
What matters to an unmitigated asshole is winning. And the world is complex enough that they can succeed in forcing you to submit, and still not feel like they won.
When an unmitigated asshole loses, you get more punishment.
Because your job is to fail.
A good teacher, co-worker, partner, boss, friend, relative, etc., helps you toward understanding, competence, self-confidence, and the ability to manage your own thoughts and emotions.
They reward your autonomy. They support your choices.
They do not punish mistakes. They discuss strategies around coping with them. They may draw boundaries defining what they will and will not do for or with you. They don’t punish you for disagreement. At worst, they let you suffer the consequences of your own actions.
Unmitigated assholes try to ensure you will never be able to function without them and/or that you feel that they cannot function without you.
And if you demonstrate autonomy or if they have a bad day, they punish.
Either openly or secretly. (It can be really hard to track down some of their bullshit, too.)
Either way, the process starts with micromanagement.
If you have less autonomy after completing a task and getting feedback, you are being micromanaged.
And if you are being micromanaged, you are being punished.
(WHEW! I’m gonna go get some hugs now.)
You can find the Asshole Mitigation Plan series outline here.
