Adventures in self talk…refusing to pre-fail
The last thing I want to do this morning is write about my adventures: nothing bad happened, I’m just in a terrible mood. And I don’t wanna. They don’t seem very adventurous.
But. As soon as the thought of writing this down crossed my mind, I knew I needed to do it. FFFF.
Here’s the stack of stuff that *seems* to be going wrong:
–I got jealous about someone else’s writing.
–I have a bunch of pain in the ass stuff to do, including a PITA-related phone call, which I particularly loathe.
–MY writing is a slow slog where I feel like I’m not having fun right now, as I go through another patch of having to live therapy stuff in order to write about it.
–I’m feeling tetchy about money stuff.
–I’m out of patience.
–I went out for a walk to try to clear my head last night and got into some bad pollen, and now my feet are balloons, my head hurts, and I somehow wore two blisters on the tops of my feet with my Crocs. Right next to my chigger bites, which are all swollen and red again this morning. This means that I need to not walk today and that dancing has to be toned down so I don’t hurt my feet, right when I need that energy the most.
–I’m worried about a few people who are in shutdown mode, and I feel useless.
–There’s a whole stack of stuff that I’ve lost track of, while I’ve been struggling with ADHD lately, from business to publishing to people, and I feel overwhelmed with All the Things.
–I feel mind-blind at the moment, unable to feel connected to anything or anyone.
–I also feel like some kind of migraine symptoms are waiting for me to fuck up one more thing so they can unleash misery and mischief. Like if I lie down for a nap, I’ll get reset.
–I don’t want to do anything. I want to shut down. I have things I’m looking forward to today (gaming!) and I don’t even want to do THEM at some level.
In short, I feel stupid and shaky and selfish and impatient and useless and just about out of control.
I started out the day trying to force my way through it. “Just do the thing, stupid!”
But that kind of inner self-talk is…my mom, yelling at me across the years. I never wanted to be that kind of parent to Ray; I feel like I’ve never really addressed what kind of parent I am to myself, because if I did, I’d see that it was just my mom all over again.
So I said sorry and cried for a little bit as I acknowledged the overwhelm, and am now limping around on hurting feet, trying to be gentle and take care of one thing at a time.
Dear self:
–It’s okay to feel bad today. I’m sorry for yelling and being mean. I feel bad today too.
–You can be jealous about other people’s writing today, as long as you also feel how it really makes you feel. You’re scared you won’t be able to make people feel that way. You might never be able to; that doesn’t mean that what YOU’RE writing isn’t lovely. It is. I love it and I believe in it.
–When we make it through the pain in the ass stuff, the money worries will be better. You’re worried about doing the pain in the ass stuff because you feel like you’re going to encounter another obstacle or delay, like the harder you try to resolve the issue, the more complex it will get and the harder it will be to resolve. Sometimes it IS like that, because that’s exactly how your mom and ex made things, and it’s exactly how a lot of bureaucracy works, run by assholes to make sure the people who aren’t supposed to succeed, don’t. It feels like fighting is a waste of energy and that it’s safer to let things go wrong and have someone (like your mom or ex) step in and fix them for you, crowing about how incompetent you are, even as they sabotage everything you do. You know what I think about that? I think it’s okay for you to get angry about and at people and systems that do this to you and others. Don’t lash out, stay in control. But keep that fire burning and use it against obstacles, not yourself.
–Maybe patience isn’t what you need. I’m not saying I know what you need. Just that maybe patience isn’t it.
–Poor bebe. You are hurting.
–I’m worried about them, too. We’re going to take care of our stuff today so we have more resources to call on for other people as well as ourselves, all right?
–Doing the PITA stuff will help on the business side. Once you have the PITA stuff wrapped up, you’ll have more mental energy for everything else.
–We need to set up a check-in with a couple of people. You know who and in what order. You’re REALLY not checking in with people because you’re not in a position to be supportive for what other people need. You need particular types of support right now and you feel like you shouldn’t ask for it. But they would LOVE to be there for you. If you get that support, you’ll be able to be more present for others.
–Sweetie, whatever your brain needs to do, just let it do that. If you reset, you reset. I know it’s scary but it does help. If migraine symptoms take over, we will handle them together. I won’t leave you if you reset. It just takes me a while to get things back together.
–You’re worried about the thing you want to do, because it involves people getting along, and you can’t control how well that will work. It’s kind of adorable how worried you are about this. But you’re not in charge of what anyone else thinks or feels. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out; if it DOES work out but it feels off, you can adjust things or let it go. You know what’s important to you, even if it does feel selfish.
Ray’s up for class. I gave her the condensed version. Initially I felt like I should hide things from her, to protect her. Which is a pretty good sign that I need to tell her, because if I don’t she’ll be like, AHHHHH Emergency MODE. When I’m “acting normal” it’s perfectly obvious to her that I’m upset. Ray being Ray, it takes her less energy to be supportive than it does to pretend that nothing is wrong. I’ve been trying to coach her through how to support others without losing herself; she struggles with it. So do I.
Right now, she’s sitting next to me, eating a bagel, and scrolling through a webcomic, just being present. It’s nice. I’m still not looking forward to the PITA stuff. How many fucking phone calls will these dipshits try to throw at me anyway? AHHHHHHHHHHHH
All right, she’s off to class now. Time to crack my knuckles and get my big girl panties on. I don’t have to pre-fail today, just to make some asshole feel good about themselves so they can “rescue” me. I don’t have to pre-fail today because I’m scared of my own anger, or my own selfishness, or my own jealousy (that’s really fear that I’m not good enough), or my own impatience. I don’t have to pre-fail today because I’m struggling hard with ADHD and executive function and it’s easier to just not try than to struggle over every damn minor sub-decision. I don’t have to pre-fail today because I’m putting other people’s wants over my needs.
It’s past nine. Say a prayer for the fuckers on the other end of the phone line.
…
(Updates: I have one more person to talk to, but I’ve also talked about stuff with a couple of additional people, including another long brainstorm session with Ray. One of the PITA things went better than expected; the other went worse and I have to make ANOTHER freaking phone call on Monday. The thing I was worried about went well!)
Dear Crocs, Inc., make it so.—This is a Midjourney roll.
Took this as I was about to head out and do Pain in the Ass things.