Yoga didn’t happen this morning; I was overwhelmed from that post yesterday and Could Not Even on several things.
Here’s the deal: I *should* be okay with sharing my opinion with the world. I’m a writer and that’s kind of the whole point. But I was not okay. Part of me is still, frankly, waiting for a shoe to fall, because slightly more than average numbers of people liked a post and interacted with it. “Fearless” is not a word I use for myself.
At any rate, I pushed myself pretty hard on sharing things lately and finally hit a point of acute discomfort. I have adjusted some settings on sharing things, made a mental note of which discomforts felt long-term positive and which did not, and gave myself some recovery time yesterday.
One of the things I suffer from with my ADD (even though parts of it are a gift) is acute distress related to rejection or possible rejection. So I feel both wonderfully supported from all the nice things people said yesterday, and horrified that I might get rejected because of what I did. I bounce all over the walls with delight, then get hurt when people toss me away as being too bouncy, or whatever.
Intellectually, I can grasp that throttling myself all the time to avoid feeling exposed and rejected isn’t healthy; emotionally, I struggle to release the throttle in the moment.
But: working this shit out in a way that feel right for me is why I’m sharing all this stuff, so that when it comes to gaining success as a fiction writer, I already have coping strategies and healing at work.
Unfortunately, there’s a shortage of the drug I take for my ADD, which really helps with the inflated sense of rejection. So I’m panicking over that, too. I’m going to contact my doctor today to see what to do.
Yesterday sucked, the same way upping your reps on a workout sucks. Ray and I went out for tacos at Taco Bus. Side note, apparently there will be a Torchy’s Tacos coming to St. Pete, which I am looking forward to. Their tacos are both sublime and ridiculous.
On the walk this morning, the character who was beating himself up yesterday traveled with me to tell me that I didn’t need to do this alone. I was there for him yesterday and he’d be here for me today. Eventually I was smiling, although I kept having to stop and let my traps relax. I was in pain for most of the walk. The back of my skull is unhappy, and my hands and feet have been swollen since yesterday’s post. I feel like I’m having one of my no-pain migraines, but not a bad one? No visual auras, just that prickly feeling, hand/foot swelling, and some of the smearing feeling you get when you wake up three hours early and have to function. I didn’t wake up three hours early; that’s just the feeling.
I want some coffee.