Bunch of e-mails circulating at work about “The Woman’s Rules” “The Man’s Rules”–even “The Chocolate Rules,” so I came up with my own version:

The Little Old Lady Rules

(The logic here is that I have a little box in my brain marked “inappropriate.” There’s a little old lady in that box. She says things like this…and I think she’ll get a little louder, the older I get.)

  1. All the chocolate is mine.
  2. All the good chocolate is really mine. I will share the rest, because I am the soul of magnaniminimininty.
  3. People are dumb, which is good, because otherwise I would run out of things to laugh at.
  4. I am always beautiful, witty, kind, and wonderful. I don’t need you to tell me whether the dress looks good, I look fat, etc. I look good inthis dress, and I’m not fat.
  5. Any joke that shocks someone half my age is a good joke.
  6. Some babies are ugly. But you have to love them anyway.
  7. Some kids are brats. Smack ’em when their parents aren’t looking.
  8. Never answer the phone. Or the door. If you do, anything you say to a telemarketer, politician, salesbobo, or religious zealot doesn’tcount in the afterlife.*
  9. It’s time for your children to grow up.
  10. I don’t care what you think. Unless you think you want to give me chocolate.
  11. *Don’t mess with the Girl Scouts.