From this morning’s journal. I was trying to figure out why I had a terrible nightmare involving sex, then woke up angry and resentful. Possible answer below.
…
I know all about fear. [Huge break while I stare off into space.] You’re thinking in your head again, instead of on the page. One more promo task. One more after that. After that. Day by day: promo. When do the writing days happen? […]
But I am also bitterly angry this AM. [Description of stuff I’m angry about that is too personal to talk about and really wasn’t what I was angry about anyway.] And the nightmare of sex being a train wreck, of getting tricked into doing things I didn’t want to do. It started out as trying to help [person I think of as “good” but also very judgey] out. But why? To prove I’m a decent person? Who knows, maybe everyone’s horrified at me. […] I’m angry and unpleasant.
It seems like I should be having different nightmares, if at all–ones about…what? [I realized I’d been staring at my fingernails for like an entire minute.] My fingernails? You’re nowhere near halfway through today’s journal, honey.
Nightmares about failure. Over and over. Instead I’m having “I’m the bad person here” nightmares.
[Tangent as I try to swerve away from the subject.]
But [The Clockwork Alice] went over well. So maybe that’s okay. Maybe you just get to tap into yourself and have fun writing, and that is how you make your money. With the nutso project that’s never going to work. [Side notes about a nutso project that I’ve convinced myself is never going to work.]
I ask for help–it’s not like I don’t<–that statement looks like a red flag for bullshit.
[The process of marketing as] asking over and over: Is this me? Is this me? Does this fit? Does this still fit? What do I sell. Second sight. How can I sell anger as second sight? Stop being so mercenary! Okay, but that’s really just a matter of phrasing, not mental purity. I get to sell my thoughts, some of which are angry, and they deserve to be sold. [If I just] narrow down my focus on delight, well, there are dark and angry magics. What about mystery?
[Maybe I’m angry that my true feelings are,] “Yay. Failure! I can afford to write again.” [And stop doing promotions.] Every day, get some shit done to get your thoughts to your fans. Customers. Readdress the thoughts in your head to be survival–thrive–profit. [Note: I was sneering at myself for using money-words around creativity.]
It’s hard for me to market, because of words being triggered as bad. Maybe that’s it–I’m trying to sell stuff; therefore, I am doing something filthy and corrupt. That nightmare. Probably not a coincidence that I’m trying to convince someone that I’m a good person in the dream before that, which means that the first dream was part of the nightmare, too. That’s some hard shit to deal with first thing in the morning.
[Complete tangent about not knowing what to write next.]
How do I drag myself out of this ugly feeling so I can be productive today? […] I don’t know what I should have done or what I should do or how artistic I should be or how to turn this rant into anything but fire and uselessness. I hate it when my emotions take over.
[Tangent as I try to swerve away from answering the question yet again.]
So–what? What do you plan to do with your day? Throw a fit? Collapse? Weep? I need a day off. Do you? Will that solve anything? Or will you just want more and more for yourself, when really you’re afraid of selling books? Because you’re still gonna be afraid tomorrow. But I tried and now things aren’t magically all better. And I’m angry about that.
[Another attempt to swerve away from the subject.]
Don’t swerve. But this fear of success is a raging beast. I’m terrified that people will think I’m dirty. For selling books.
[Note: At that point I hit my three pages and was done.]