This morning was rough–I was feeling very disconnected–but good news: I can get my ADD meds tomorrow. I was trying to tell myself that I was doing relatively fine, but yesterday I was running on empty and it took a while for the rationed dose to kick in this morning again.
My regrets as a person always center around stuff that ADD makes me screw up. The other things people may or may not like about me, I feel like I don’t wanna change. Too bad! But when ADD takes over I still feel horribly guilty and frantic that I’ve done something to wreck relationships.–That feeling mostly comes from the ADD itself. It’s a catch-22 of self-loathing.
UGH. I’m so glad to have stuff worked out. Fingers crossed there are no more issues tomorrow.
Yoga: got more done this morning. I’ve been sitting in the bean bag now that it’s unpacked (we have memory foam bags) and it makes my hips sore, but more flexible. Probably a good thing, but I was whining about it this morning. Pigeon pose still a work in progress. Upper back/traps recovering from the move, but I probably made them worse on the walk this morning.
Walk: I was MAD this morning on the walk, because everything was “lame.” I let the emotion loose. My traps tightened up on the left side, making it harder to move and being pretty painful. It was a very “get off my lawn” feeling, even though none of it was my lawn.
What I came to was that a) I was suffering from ADD more than I’d realized, and b) I have no memories here, so I don’t have any attachments to it. Everything felt thin and flat because of the combined power of those two things.
My head’s killing me and I’m getting tentative little migraine-auras. The headache is caffeine withdrawal and high pressure. My body’s still fighting off getting sick, too. I think I’m winning, but it’s still draining. I have all these little disruptive bits and pieces of things to wrap up after the move, and they’re draining. I’m just gonna be done today and hope that they’re easier to handle once I can take meds steadily.
New phone! New phone camera. Is good.
Midjourney AI: Another
nerd
on Discord helped me work out the issue that was making this recurring woman appear in the images.–I was joking that it was “goth pixie dream girl.” The person knew who I was talking about and coached me through how to change settings.
However, it’s extremely obvious that everything on Midjourney AI is biased toward white, Western people and culture. I’m going to start throwing in different influences as consciously as possible. For a while I had a dice table set up to generate story characters by race/ethnicity, gender, and orientation as closely as I could approximate for U.S. population distribution. I lost it! But it quickly became obvious that I was running with a lot of unconscious bias. I try to be aware of it, but ehhhhhhhh I’m definitely not perfect.
I saw someone complaining about how people just need to shut up about AI earlier and felt very self-conscious, but I decided I wasn’t going to shut up about it: people *should* be talking about AI, the way they should have been talking about the Internet when that happened. There’s AI all over my damn cell phone camera. It’s freaking *everywhere.* I’m gonna talk about food, irony/farce, and how humanity perceives things, and I’m gonna push all the buttons on every piece of AI I can, giggling and whispering, “I kinda hope I get in trouble for this.”
Story stuff: I got stuck inside the scene I was wanting to write! I slept on it, got no inspiration, then asked the characters this morning. Mr. Assassin got yelled at yesterday by one of the other characters (the female lead). “This is how you screw up, buddy.” The female lead walked with me for a while and gave me some good ideas, as well as explaining that I didn’t need to put up with bullshit from anyone, not even a character.–I’m drawing from some good sources with her.
I was thinking earlier about muses and about a particular person’s muse who disappeared some time ago. I’ve never really had a muse before, so I didn’t know how to react when she told me hers wasn’t stopping by. Now I think about how I’d feel if mine left. I’d be a wreck. But I also think that I’ll be okay when this book is done and I’m working on something else that doesn’t have these characters in it. They’ll still be within me, and the energy behind them will emerge in other forms, other muses, other characters who walk with me in the mornings. I can’t help with the disappeared muse, though. I hope he comes back, in one form or another.