This morning I ran out of go juice and took ADD meds. I still don’t have replacements, so I’m stretching them as far as I can.
I got up and couldn’t function, took a med, went outside for yoga, started doing yoga, and broke down and cried. I had no idea why at first, then figured it was because I’d hit a point, mentally, where I felt vulnerable and wanted someone to step in and be “big” so I didn’t have to feel so small. The place where I was this morning was horrifying to me.
Guess who LOVED to step in at that moment? Who didn’t want me to go on meds, was resistant to getting (or allowing me or Ray to get) any kind of therapy or counseling, and used me as his “therapist” even as he was calling me crazy, interrupting me, raising his voice, and being physically intimidating while ordering me to stop interrupting him and raising my voice? Yeah.
These days were his favorite days, when all he had to do to control me was pretend to take care of my problems for me. If he felt like it. No wonder I felt horrible.
I asked for one of my characters to show up, and one did, not one of the mains but the old friend who passed away. I think he’s the channel for everyone I know who has depression.
Thank God the black dog of depression doesn’t follow me. I just get mentally exhausted from not having the brain stuff I need to function. My brain isn’t actively attacking me.–I shouldn’t be talking for those with depression, but my character says that he’s glad to have a voice, and that he’s proud of what he did for his friends, and that he doesn’t mind showing up for my bad days, now that he’s not in the thick of it. One of those super-smart guys who are dark and funny and think the whole world is against them so they’re all thorns and elbows. He fought long and hard and it was sheer bad luck, too, that he didn’t make it.
Anyway, Connor came out walking with me and watched over me while I waited for the meds to kick in this morning. The last few days as I’ve been out walking, I’ve been listening to music (I can do that now even when I get catcalled), and it’s been speeding up. It’s playlist songs, so I know the pitch and rhythm pretty well; they’re all just a little too fast and a little to high-pitched. I thought it was just my phone. Today while I was out walking, I felt the meds kick in (they feel pretty rough if I skip days) and the music slowed down. I know that ADD messes with my sense of time, but apparently it messes with it more than I’d realized. When I’m writing, I have a lower heartrate than when walking, I suppose.
The character slipped away about the same time the music slowed down. “You can do it on your own now. I got shit to do.” And off he went. I always miss him when he goes.
As always when it gets bad, I try to keep three truths in mind:
1. Nobody decent wants or needs you to suffer.
2. Everyone has their own lives.
3. Take it slowly so you don’t hurt yourself or screw things up.
I should probably add a fourth:
4. Don’t give someone else control over your mental health today.
Probably #4 isn’t what I would tell myself if I had depression; in the case of your brain actively attacking you, different attitudes and solutions are necessary. I just know that it was helpful for me today to sort out that I was at a point where I’m particularly vulnerable to predators.
Re: meds. When I consistently take meds, I don’t hate myself and I don’t look as hard for outside sources of validation. I’m still a very social person (if initially reserved) who thrives on genuine love and care, but I’m not so desperate as to accept poison in the guise of attention. On meds, I have the resources for self-love; when I can’t get ’em, I only have the resources for survival and get puppeted *really* easy.
A broken or bruised or starving brain (or an immature brain, for that matter) is an easily manipulated brain.
I screwed around with Midjourney AI a LOT yesterday. The ADD made the time vanish in a flash, but I feel like I did the thing where I consume a new idea/technique/technology and now know a lot more about what AI/ML is going to be like with the arts. I’m not afraid of being “replaced” anymore. As soon as a technology exists, people come along who take advantage of it, who abuse it–and who riff on it and advance the art with it.
There’s a meme going around somewhere about humans in the Star Trek universe and how the Vulcans keep us around because we do stuff that Should Not Be Possible. I feel like any self-aware intelligence will come to the same conclusion.
“I have never seen an intelligent species so stupid…or so brilliant.”