Yoga & walkies: working on the traps yesterday paid dividends, as in the whole walk (which was VERY long) my back didn’t hurt. In fact, my back hasn’t hurt all day. Now, my hip opposite the shoulder that hurt, THAT hurt. But not my back. I did some proto-pigeon poses this morning, though, so it’s not surprising that at least one hip was pissed off about the stretch.
The only downside was that it felt like my energy was stuck inside my body again, and most of the pictures I took were lame. Toward the end of the walk I was starting to be able to reach “out” a little better, but it was hard feeling connected to anything outside my body. I kind of took pics by rote today. “This is the kind of thing I would normally like.”
When I got back I got anxious for some reason. I’m not sure what set me off, but I told myself, “You get anxious whenever you feel like you’re doing something that will help you be more independent and successful, because that used to mean that someone would find a way to tear you down.” That helped. I watched another episode of Legion and it was upsetting but made me go, “Whatever I’m anxious about, at least it’s not that.” It was the multiverse episode, S2E6.
Then I put the anxiety into the scene I was writing today, so at least it served a purpose. Then I went to go add a minor character for color. The reference photo I used for the character description annoyed me, so the character got turned into a rude conference attendee. I had the female lead boot him out of a conference session. I feel like the scene doesn’t move the plot forward (although it does tell us what the characters will be at least capable of, when shit goes down later). But it was *very* satisfying to write. I’m going to chalk it up to “wish fulfillment” for now.
Some people want to save the world. Some people just want to see the asshole get booted out of a conference session, instead of being placated to keep the peace. Some people is me.
–I watched one of the Doctor Ramani videos on YouTube on the gifts you develop after surviving narcissistic abuse yesterday, and one of them is “take no shit” (I’m paraphrasing). I feel like this gift has been blossoming in me this summer. It’s difficult to integrate some days, mostly because it’s difficult to navigate life when you’re around people who DO take shit and panic when you don’t.
Thanks to Stace for talking to me about anxiety and Fatma for recommending Doctor Ramani.