Today I’ve felt off all day; I’m trying to make use of it. Yoga: I once again did back bends over the foam roller; they felt physically fine, but when I went out for the walk I felt headachey, nauseated, shaky, feverish. I only went out for a short walk.
When I got back I was wrecked emotionally, angry and sad. I took a bunch of selfies, thinking, “I look like a monster. Nobody could possibly want to see me like this. I don’t want to see me like this.”
Then I went back and looked. Some of those pics, I didn’t want to see, but–they were at angles I never like seeing. (They make me look like a specific person I have issues with, which is a whole other issue.) But the rest were okay, either better or worse as pictures but certainly not monstrous.
I spent a lot of time thinking about one of my characters both before and after the walk; I was jotting down some notes for his next scene and he said something that resonated. I’m not really sure how to say it well enough to make sense, but here it is:
“Sometimes I feel like I’m not a person. I spend so much time seeing things from other people’s points of view that I can’t see my own. But it’s the capacity to see that is mine. I didn’t realize how stuck other people are in their own personalities, all the time. When I think about it, it seems truly unpleasant.”
I don’t think I entirely agree with that statement–I’m enjoying being myself right now, thank you very much–but it resonates. I’m not sure who he’ll say this to, either, or whether he ever will say it to anyone other than me.
I think the specific thing that had me wrecked this morning was going, “I do that, too. And they used it against me.”
Ray had stuff that required privacy today, so I took off and ran errands, then went out to a beach for some beach time and took more pictures. I sat down to write and–the character wrote a poem. It is just about the sweetest fucking thing ever, but I might use it in the book (on the back of a receipt being used as a bookmark) so I won’t put it here.
Then a long phone call that’s left me smiling (yay Holly!). I feel drained. I’m gonna start the character’s scene tonight, though, because the book playlist just keeps playing in my head, and that means if I don’t write I won’t sleep. I wasn’t going to; it was going to be another POV character’s scene, but clearly my guy has stuff to say.
My guy, I’m so proud of you for making the hard choice that’s going to fuck up your life but keep your soul intact. If stuff goes wrong for you, it goes wrong for reasons that come from the outside, not from within. Not many people make the choice not to be their own worst enemies. Thank you for being here for my book.