Struggling with a difficult task…you are not a burden
On the one hand, I’ve had a difficult day.
On the other hand, I’ve had multiple people do things that made me feel known and loved, and I took care of myself, so I’m smiling.
When I told Ray about the difficult day I was having, she made some *extremely* black in-jokes. The best kind.
Ray: You’re doing a very good job today. Just don’t explode. I would have a very difficult time putting all the pieces together. And then I’d have trouble doing alchemy to bring you back from the dead.
Me: I don’t want you to have to give up an arm and a leg for me.
Ray: That’s fine. I love you a whole lot. I just don’t want to be trapped in the statue on the shelf. The arms don’t move.
Me: Okay. Deal. Just don’t meld me with a dog.
Ray: [Waggles eyebrows]
(Fullmetal Alchemist is one of my favorite manga. Ray is meh on it but knows the memes and knows I love it.)
…
Got up this morning and realized I’d been “disappearing” a task that I needed to do that fucking freaks me out. My ADHD was acting up badly enough that I wrote down the task on a piece of paper by the laptop and the word, then the notebook, tried to “disappear” from my awareness. I took a shower and realized I’d done it again.
I ended up writing it down on Facebook, then having it disappear AGAIN, until a friend commented on the post. There’s like a couple of hours this morning that are completely gone. I remember listening to music and singing, but after that, when I sat down to try to do the thing, it’s a blur.
In the end I finally drank some coffee and did the thing I didn’t want to do; no secondary shoes have dropped but I’ll probably be unsettled for a bit. Talked to someone about it, received empathy and care; got a couple of possible workarounds for next time; got beat up by some pixels; napped; woke up feeling much better; told Ray, received hugs and jokes about death and dismemberment. Is good.
…
A few days ago I got hard-triggered on something related to the thing I didn’t want to do, which was probably why my brain was so invested in “disappearing” the thing today.
I’ve been chewing on the thing and got a few insights out of it over the weekend:
I am someone. I am not a burden.–It sounds weird now, but I catch myself tensing up and have to remind myself and it hurts all over again. My throat binds up.
I am used to thinking of myself as too much trouble. Too much, not good enough, my instincts erroneous, childish, spoiled, immature, flibbertygibbet, etc. On a deep level I have believed that I am a burden to others, that I am too much “work,” and that being around other people whose company I enjoy means that I will be even more annoying than usual.
But that’s a lie. I am someone. I am not a burden. I am a fucking joy to have in class
That was the first day.
The next day, I got more insight on the problem. At least some of the time when I feel like I’m a burden to others, it’s because OTHER people feel like they’re being a burden, too. Their reactions of “oh shit I’m being a burden but saying that out loud just means I’m being even MORE of a burden AUGH which makes me feel like I’m even more fucked up and a burden” just feed into mine. “That other person is acting as though they were uncomfortable, which must mean I’m being a burden on them, etc., etc.”
So: not only am I someone and not a burden, I have to keep awareness that other people may feel the same way (and that they are someones, and not burdens). Otherwise a vicious cycle of self-loathing and self-silencing ensues.
Next part of the insight (from today):
When I speak my truth, I don’t have to qualify or justify it.
Just like “no” is supposed to be a complete sentence, I don’t have to qualify, justify, or even second-guess my experience as it relates to me.
I have the empathy and the objectivity–that isn’t the word, self-awareness maybe?–to know that things aren’t always as I see them. And I know that my own internal processes are complex. That doesn’t mean they’re a lie, or wrong, or childish, or selfish. Complexity makes them *nuanced,* not *wrong.*
I get to have a perspective. The way I see the world isn’t a priori incorrect.
When people say, “But there’s no such thing as objectivity” or “there are two sides to every story” or “That’s not what happened/what I remember,” well. Those things are just there to make me shut the fuck up.
I have already questioned the situation, considered it from different perspectives, stepped into other people’s shoes. I have already bent over backward to give other people second and third chances. I have often spent months or years observing the situation, looking for patterns, looking for anything that might contradict my tentative conclusions, and poking around a bit in the hopes that I’m wrong.
Two seconds of “I know you are, but what am I?” doesn’t refute the work I’ve put in.
Used to, though.
I spent a bunch of time today spun up today over this, rehashing old conversations, identifying the same concrete things I have to identify in order to reassert reality and to re-identify what was part of the continuous, pervasive lie. Re-asserting that what I know now, I’ve run through two different professionals in a professional context and gotten a “WTF YES WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING THIS?!?” sanity check on same.
While I was doing this today, I felt nothing. I mean, I felt like I felt nothing but I was obviously overcome with emotion. I was sobbing and going, “Why don’t I feel anything? I *must* be a horrible person. I don’t feel anything. I must be faking all of this.” But that was just someone else’s bullshit getting barfed up.
I am not a burden. I am someone. I am a source of truth.
I will choose myself, not selfishly, but in order to retain my integrity. I will not erase my perspective for someone else’s convenience. I will honor other people’s internal worlds, but I will not destroy myself for them.
The other part of today’s insight seems to be, I don’t know, kind of becoming a witness?
You are not a burden. You are someone. You, also, are a source of truth.
There is no qualification necessary. Your world is not a priori incorrect. You are not incompetent. You do not need to be controlled for your own safety and survival. You are not misbegotten. Your needs, where they differ from expectations, are not inconvenient. (Needs trump convenience.) You are not impossible to get along with. You are not perfect, and this is good. Your imperfections are not reasons that your perspective and experience should be discounted. Your imperfections are the things that make your perspective valuable, so we don’t all end up brainwashed and in lockstep. Your imperfections are how you fight this bullshit, every fucking day, whether it be on an interpersonal or societal level.
From inside the bullshit, everything that makes you who you are looks like a burden, looks like a flaw. The thing that makes you not brainwash easily becomes “bad.”
Ray made another quiche. She just came along to tell me that it’s ready and that she’ll play more games with me tonight (we spent pretty much all day yesterday gaming) after I’m done with the other stuff I need to do today.
“I’ll be your reward.”
I’m still smiling.
…
Another of the Midjourney dolls. This one’s a jellyfish doll.
A watercolor painting. Or rather a piece of post-rain muddy sidewalk that reminded me of a watercolor painting.