More Mrs. Kurtz: On Hold, ep. 3

But the voice of Jim T. Biggins continued:

At first, it was just the cleaning staff. We never could keep cleaning staff. A couple of night-watchmen. Support personnel. Forms processors, accountants, mailroom staff, file runners. Finally, even the phone staff–

YOUR CALL IS VERY VALUABLE TO US. PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE. [RRRRING!] HAVE YOU HEARD? OMEGA COMMUNICATIONS NOW PROVIDES LONG-DISTANCE SERVICE! FIVE CENTS A MINUTE ON ALL NATIONAL CALLS ON EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS! AND ONE MONTH FREE VOICE MAIL MESSAGING! (SOME RESTRICTIONS DO APPLY.) [CLICK!]

–and now they want to be promoted! Do you know what these foreign scum want now? Health insurance! There’s not a doctor on this planet that knows how to treat these bastard slime molds, and they want an HMO! Pension plans, 401(k)s, dental! Dental? They don’t have teeth! They’re illegal immegrants! Don’t they have any respect for this country?

The voice of Jim T. Biggins sobbed over the phone line.

NOW YOUR FAVORITE CABLE TV PROVIDER, OMEGA COMMUNICATIONS, CAN BRING YOU TODAY’S BEST HIGH-SPEED INTERNET CONNECTION! ASK YOUR SERVICE ENGINEER FOR INFORMATION. FREE MONTH OF PREMIUM CABLE FOR ALL CABLE TV CUSTOMERS THAT SIGN UP NOW!

My God, they’ve found me–No! Get away from me! What? Give that back! What do you mean, I’m no longer Director of Human Resources? You’ve renamed the department to Personnel? Director of Personnel? What kind of pansy title is that? What? You feel I’m too bigoted to continue? Well, you can kiss my politically incorrect–

Click.

You probably aren’t familiar with my name, but it’s Jim T. Biggins, and I’m one of the national directors of Omega, The Last Word in–