Another Alien Blue Log Line Attempt.

Bar owner Bill Trout weighs the safety of his loved ones against his ornery sense of justice when interstellar cops threaten to destroy Bill’s town if he doesn’t hand over the unnerving alien scientist he’s been hiding for the last sixteen years–right down to their memories.

Pros: It seems to capture the storyline better, which is something akin to “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?”* Conveys the horrible choice Bill has to make.

Cons: It doesn’t convey the humor. I want to end with “memories” but the sentence structure is bad.

*Wow. I had to look this up to make sure I got the wording right. Turns out, there are so many variant translations it makes my head spin.

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4 Comments

  1. Ian

    What about adding “Whimsical” before the first sentence? Also, “right down to THEIR memories” doesn’t agree with the subject (Bill). Does Bill have a nickname? A goofy nickname would help to add to the sense of fun. “Unnerving” seems awkward in what is already a kind of long sentence.

    Whimsical bar owner Billy “The Fish of Justice” Trout weighs the safety of his loved ones against his ornery sense of justice when interstellar cops threaten to destroy his town if he doesn’t release the alien scientist he’s been hiding for the last sixteen years – even including his memories.

    Ian

  2. ***Dave

    Yeah, the sentence structure is really bad. Way too many subordinate clauses — and “right down to their memories” seems to hang there, making me search as to what it applies to.

    Ian’s suggestion is better (though I think “whimsical” doesn’t add much), but that “even including his memories” still dangles out there awfully.

    Forgive me for forgetting the rules, but does it absolutely *have* to be a single sentence?

  3. DeAnna

    Dave — I’ve heard it as either one sentence or two. I was reading some advice that said “one” and gave a format, so I was trying that one out. Grrr.

    Ian — the humor isn’t whimsical or goofy; it’s dry.

    I may just need to let the humor part of it go for the very short version and try to come up with some actual dry humor in the slightly longer version.

    Sample humor. The only thing that has a nickname in the book is a type of beer – “Namesake.”

    The bartender’s name is Sam Adams.

    See? Dry.

  4. beak

    I would have gone with Sam “Adams” Miller

    But that last bit “right down to thier memories” leaves me confused. Is the alien removing memories, is Bill, the interstellar cops?

    But if the humor is somehow related to the event, there here is a good spot to tie in the connection you want to make.

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