Snippet: Nothing You Do Makes Me Happy.

My jaw dropped.

She shrugged. “I’m not human, you idiot.” She shrugged again, and her body fell out like a cheap hair extension.

I didn’t have to say a word. Not necessary around telepathic aliens. Talk about relationship problems. I giggled like a girl.

“No, not all women are from Beta Centari,” she said. “Just me.”

I laughed harder.

“At least think about what I asked you!” she exclaimed, and stomped her foot as if she still had one. “Men! I don’t understand. Always the same…I can read every thought that crosses your mind, but I still can’t make one happy. Think about it. What can I do? I am your ideal. I am the woman that you’ve always wanted, and you don’t want me! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Harder still. Tears formed in my eyes.

“Shut up! You never listen to me!” She eyed my bowling trophies on the shelf, screeched, and melted them into slag with one shimmering gesture. “You are so…uncommunicative!”

My diaphragm ached already, but I wasn’t nearly done laughing. I knew she could read it in my mind before I’d be able to say it, but I said it anyway. “Women. Always jumping to conclusions, acting like they can read your mind.”

She collapsed into what I assume was the alien version of a sobbing mess. It wasn’t pretty. Later, after we’d held each other (if one can be said to hold a warm blob of jell-o) and had our kinky makeup sex, I explained it. She didn’t understand, but she knew I told her the truth. She left me.

I felt better.