Free fiction: Beware the Easter Moon

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My kids’ story, Beware the Easter Moon, is available on Kindle for free this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  (It’s exclusive on Amazon until, um, July something, so if you need a copy in another format, contact me.)

Beware the Easter Moon Cover

Beware the Easter Moon

by De Kenyon


Colin’s tired of Grandpa stealing kids’ chocolate Easter eggs. So he hatches a plan to make his Granpa eat one of last year’s Easter eggs. One of the regular kind. That stinks when it gets rotten.

It was a terrible plan. But it was also a great plan.

He just shouldn’t have gone outside at the farm to get the egg on the night of the full moon before Easter.

Colin sneaked out of his grandpa’s big old creepy white house with the tree branches that scratched the windows and the heaters that went hunk hunk hunk all night long while his pile of cousins slept, drooling and farting and snoring.

Grandpa didn’t lock his doors, because he lived a long ways away from anybody else, but his shotgun was on a shelf in the closet, too high to reach unless Colin dragged one of the big silver and green chairs out of the sunroom and into the entryway and stood on it to see. Grandpa always said it was for coyotes.

But all Colin wanted to do was get his egg.

He grabbed his coat off a wire hanger in the closet and stepped into Grandpa’s boots, because Grandpa’s boots were always muddy, no matter what Grandma said, and nobody would notice in the morning if they weren’t clean.

He slowly turned the handle and slowly pulled on the door, but it wouldn’t open and he jerked on it hard and then it almost hit the wall.

But he caught it.

Then he slowly opened the creaking screen door and slowly shut both doors behind him.

The stoop looked white at first because the moon was so bright. But his eyes adjusted, and he tiptoed with the big dried-mud boots down the hard old steps as quietly as he could. The sharp steps had already cut his cousin Maria right across her eyebrow.

A gate creaked and slammed against the post. The trees scratched the windows. The ground was white from the storm and the moon, and the threes only cast thin shadows on the ground.

He liked Grandpa’s farm better when the leaves were out in the summer and the wind whispered through them like the running of a river. But now it was so quiet he could hear the coyotes out in the pastures. And it was cold enough to bite his ears and get up his nose and smell like nothing and make his nose drip.

But he wouldn’t be out here long.

He went out the gate, and it creaked when he opened it, but it always creaked and slammed all night in the breeze anyway. One ear was already colder than the other, and he wished he’d brought a hat.

He went down the muddy path to the chicken coop, where the chickens were all sleeping inside the dark building. The coyote howled again, and Colin started running as fast as Grandpa’s boots would let him.

The egg was behind the chicken coop.

It wasn’t a regular chicken egg. It was a last-year Easter egg.

He crunched through the snow, not caring about the loud sound so much as wanting to get back in the house as fast as he could. But his feet sank in and the hard snow tried to take Grandpa’s boots off, so he had to bend over and pull Grandpa’s boots out of the snow with his bare hands and his foot still in it.

The coyote sounded a lot closer now.

Colin looked into the cow pasture, which had a tall, square-wire fence all along the edge so the cows didn’t get out. The snow was deeper on this side, with long strings of dead grass all the way through it. On the other side it was empty and white and went up a long hill with two brown streaks of road for Grandpa’s tractor tires as he took hay out to the cows in a hay trailer and Colin and all the cousins would throw it out to the cows, who would eat it from between the bars of the trailer while they were still moving.

He didn’t see anything on the hill, so he went around the corner of the chicken coop and stomped a hole in the top of the snow.

Carefully, he dug down through the snow to the ground.

Please be there, please be there.

His hand scraped the top of something harder than snow and he saw it: the egg.

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Paid

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Available at Smashwords, Amazon.com, B&N, and more.

This story was originally published in Crossed Genres #30.

Paid

by DeAnna Knippling

Time travel in a multiverse sounded great…except that some of inventor Beauregard’s alternate selves aren’t so nice. Now he’s a private dick hiring himself out to try to clean up the mess he made.

Beauregard is called to investigate the gruesome death of a girl who was crushed to death while her babysitter watched TV downstairs. Due to the nature of the death, he already knows that the Outlander—a version of himself trapped outside the multiverse—is involved…but how?

If you walk into a bar and make a bet that there are two people in the room with the same birthday, if there’s over forty people, you’ll usually win. That’s statistics. If you walk into a bar and bet that there’s someone with the birthday October 23, 1976, and you win, that’s time travel. And you’ve probably just met another version of me.

I came up with a solid time travel theory in 2007 and swore I’d never build an actual machine. I built it 2009 anyway; long story. If you’re reading this, it means you’re stuck here with me—or you are me. Sorry about that. Any set of universes in which someone discovers time travel tends to implode, because the set tends to attract the mass of all the different versions of the time traveler in the multiverse.

Some versions are pretty big. I see them when I travel. Quantum foam: it sounds small, doesn’t it?

I looked past the spinning rings of the Eclectolux at the boiling, purple-green mass below me (that is, if you consider below to have any meaning); it looked like living vomit that had just eaten its way out of a dog. It looked as big as the Cities when you’re flying into MSP, but it was actually much bigger, because I was very far away.

Yeah. Another version of me. I call it the Outlander.

I dropped the glass vial through the bars of the Eclectolux. The vial twitched as the bars whooshed past it, then fell out of sight, toward the foul city of me. The city had seen me (that is, if you could consider what it does seeing) and was sending up tentacles the apparent size of the Empire State Building. The Eclectolux dipped as gravity distorted. I popped out of the foam before the tentacles got within half a thousand clicks. My job was done.

I came to in the storage unit. The three rings had stopped spinning, as had my stomach, so I must have been there for a while. The gunshot wound in my stomach was gone, which meant I’d died and been replaced.

Damn it. Every time I had to be replaced, the universe opened another hole to the Outsider, and it would be another race to see who found it first (that is, if first could have any meaning with regards to time travel). Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have minded being dead. It was not being able to make it stick that got to me.

I shut off the Eclectolux, turned off the generator, and flicked off the lights. Outside, Durwood, as big and hairy as a mountain gorilla, with a similarly-sloped forehead spackled in orangey curls, sat in his 1975 Chevy Caprice Classic convertible, cherry red, top down. He saw me and honked the horn six times. I hated that car; it clashed with his hair and the top never worked when I wanted it to.

I crossed the street. “Stop that.”

He honked the horn again. “When are you going to let me handle the Eclectolux?”

“Never.”

“How did it go?”

I pulled up my shirt and showed him my stomach. Durwood groaned, and I tucked my shirt back in.

“Back to the office then?”

I nodded, got in the car, leaned the seat back, pulled my Akubra over my face, and went to sleep.


This story came from…a series of chess games, I suppose.   I was working with a guy who liked to play chess; we set up a board on the cross-piece of our cube walls and made moves with no time limits.  He’d played a lot of chess in prison–he wouldn’t talk about it, other than to say, “Sometimes getting revenge isn’t worth it.”  Fair enough.  He was this enormous guy, width-wise, but not terribly tall, say 5′ 9″, and his hair was cut off flat on top: which, to my mind, made him look even shorter.  Hands, same way: their width made them look very stubby.  But he never was clumsy with the chess pieces.

I’m an indifferent chess player; I just like to talk to weird people.  But I got a lot better while playing with this guy.  He talked a lot about kinds of choices you can make in chess.  I don’t know if I can remember how it all went now–there are opening moves, which have all been pretty much worked out; there are endgames (I asked him how to know you were in an endgame; I wish I could remember how he’d explained it, but I know the feeling of it still, if not the logic) that have been all worked out; there are groups of tactics that happen in the middle.  There are groups of things that happen over, and over, and over, with only minor variations.  Once you know the patterns, it becomes easier to predict the outcome.

He said that chess was what made him realize that revenge was a bad idea, that chess was all about anticipating the consequences to your actions, and how he hadn’t had a sense of consequences, before he started playing chess in prison.  Still, he wasn’t the wisest guy I ever met.  But pretty damned smart.

Somehow, being me, I didn’t walk away with all that much in the way of chess.  But I did get an idea for a story: about the guy who discovered time travel and subsequently wished he hadn’t.  I had this whole plan for a series of short stories for Beauregard, based on the Major Arcana of the tarot.  This was supposed to be #0, The Fool.  It went all right.  But when I tried to write #1, The Magician…ugh, I couldn’t do it.  Now I can see that it should have been an origin story.  But anyway, back then I skipped to #2, The High Priestess, which was supposed to be about Beauregard’s secretary…well, let’s just say there was waaaaay too much duct tape, so I let it be.

I might write at least the origin story some day.  Then again, maybe not: ever since  writing this story, I’ve had a sense that somewhere out in the multiverse, I’m writing every possible variation of every story I’m currently working on.  It’s distracting, feeling like every word I type spawns a different universe, then making a typo and deleting a word, and wondering whether I just deleted an infinity to go with it.

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My Mom Ate My Homework

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I went into a big long stinkin’ deal about how and why I wrote this story over at my blog, if you’re interested.  But it’s mostly writer stuff, so don’t read it if you don’t want the writer stuff.

But now, presenting…

My Mom Ate My Homework

by De Kenyon

Available at SmashwordsB&NAmazon.com, and more.

This story was inspired by Ray’s recent testing of the “how much can I get away with” thing with regards to leaving her crap all over the house and putting off cleaning it up as long as possible.  And homework.  Dawdling for hours over her homework.  I was feeling kinda nutso about having to discipline her, too.  Like–you’ve been through all this before, and I thought we’d worked it out already kind of thing.  But I know, as Ray develops mentally, that this is exactly what I have to expect, and should be worried about if I don’t see: it means she’s approaching situations differently, as she tries out new ideas.

To make a long story short, it’s better.  And she did enjoy the story, bouncing and yelling and laughing and more.  But she was very disturbed about a few details that I copied from our lives.  She could accept that the main characters weren’t us…but the mention of her green bat socks.  That threw her.

We agreed that Lee should never give me a vacuum cleaner.

Aya’s mom just told her to pick up her stuff for the 1,001th time…she was almost going to pick it up for reals, but then her mom gets turned into a cleanicidal vacuum cyborg. And now Aya’s almost late for school…

Aya held the big box of Fruit Loops in one hand and The Best Cereal Bowl Ever in her other hand, ready to pour. The Best Cereal Bowl Ever had two sides: one side for the crunchy and delicious cereal, and the other side for the cold and delicious milk, so you could scoop out a scoop of cereal, dunk it in the milk, and eat it at the moment of best coldness and crunchiness.

Unfortunately, Aya’s mom chose exactly that moment to stomp up to the table so hard she made Aya’s spoon rattle. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times!” Aya’s mom yelled. “Pick up your trash!”

Aya looked around the kitchen. Okay, so most of the table was stacked with her folded laundry, and her homework was all over the floor under the table where she’d been working on it last night while Mom cooked, and maaaaaybe she’d left a few candy wrappers under her pillow, and okay, so her computer desk had two soda cans and a pile of tissues on it, and, um, okay. But she was seriously hungry.

“Can’t I wait until after I eat breakfast?” she asked.

“No!” her mom yelled. “I told you to clean yesterday morning, and you didn’t. And then I told you to clean after you got home from school yesterday, and you didn’t. And I told you to clean before you went to bed last night, and you didn’t. And today is my birthday, and you know what’s the worst birthday present ever? Having to clean up your daughter’s mess. So now I don’t care if you starve at school today—pick up your traaaaaash!!!

Mom yelled so loud that Aya’s hair streamed out behind her and her mother’s coffee-smelling spit splattered onto her face. Mom was sogross. After a few seconds of glaring at her, Mom stomped into the living room, saying something mean-sounding under her breath.

Aya sighed, put the cereal box down, and wiped her face with a napkin. “That makes it a thousand and one times.” She picked up an armful of her clothes and started carrying them back to her room.

From the living room, Mom’s new vacuum cleaner started running. Dad had bought it for her birthday, so she wouldn’t have to vacuum anymore: it was a self-driving vacuum cleaner that would vacuum the carpet and even wash the kitchen floor to pick up any mess from spilled food.

Aya was about to shove all her clothes in her top drawer when suddenly she heard her mother scream, “Help, Aya!”

Aya dropped her clothes on the floor, jumped over her toys and books and dirty clothes, ran down the hallway, and jumped down the two stairs into the living room.

Mom wrestled with her new vacuum cleaner, a loud, gray machine that had all kinds of tubes and cords coming out of it that wrapped around her arms and legs. The back end of the machine spat out black, stinky smoke that covered the ceiling and made Aya cough.

Mom held a pair of scissors that she used to stab the machine, but the cords just wrapped tighter.

The machine—it had to be Mom’s new vacuum cleaner—suddenly sucked down Mom’s arm with the scissors, while an electrical cord climbed up her arm and plugged itself into her nostril.

“Mom!”

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People Juice – Diane R. Thompson

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I have a new story up, under another pen name.  I hadn’t planned to whip this name out until I got YOUR SOUFFLE MUST DIE out, but it really is that same sensibility.  Sam from YSMD is shinier…but just as violent, underneath it all.

So:

People Juice

by Diane R. Thompson

 (available at SmashwordsB&NAmazon, and more)

If there’s one thing that can ruin your workday, it’s getting harassed. Beautiful, blonde Jackie has figured out how to handle it—most of the time. But last Friday she almost got snagged in the parking lot by a guy in a hoodie wearing too much aftershave, and now she’s out for revenge.

People juice. It’s what I call my ability to handle other people and their idiot problems. I’m not shy, but I’m an introvert—being around other people just sucks the energy out of me. So when I’m out of people juice, that’s it. It doesn’t matter whether I’m having the time of my life or I’m at my ex-in-laws’ house. Love ya, gotta go, goodbye.

Fortunately, not many people notice at work. I’m in Quality Analysis at Bell-Maus Software Design, and everyone thinks I’m a stuck-up bitch out to get them. And the guys who hit on me don’t notice anything but my breasts anyway.

Hit on me. Good phrase.

So Monday I come into the office with a black eye. I’m making coffee in the tiny break area, because I’m the only blonde chick in the office, and if I don’t make coffee it’ll look weird.

José comes up behind me and tries to rub up against my butt as he slides past me to the fridge, but I twist out of the way and shove him from behind, so he gets cock-blocked by the garbage can.

“Hey!” he says. “What did you do that for?”

“What?” I say.

“Push me.”

I shake my head. “No way, José.” He hates that.

“You did!”

“Awww, did somebody lose his balance and decide to blame the dumb blonde?”

He finally manages to get his eyes out of my cleavage, sees the black eye, and says, “What happened to your eye?” Then the jerk tries to feel me up again.

“Fender bender,” I said. “Friday night. Some guy in a hoodie tried to jump me in the parking lot, then rammed me from behind when I got in my car. I whiplashed into the steering wheel. As if you didn’t know.”

I step aside, pour myself a cup of rancid coffee, and sip it noisily. Last warning. He’s wearing a white shirt, and I’ve performed scattershot on him before.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t get a look at the guy, but I smelled him. And you were working late last Friday, too.” I take a deep whiff of his aftershave.

He splutters. “Are you accusing me?”

“Change your aftershave recently, José?”

He leaves the break area without another word, and yeah, he’s so mad that he forgets to pretend that the only way he can get around me is by bumping uglies. He’s in his supervisor’s cube faster than you can say “preemptive accusation of sexual harassment.”

I like messing with José. It doesn’t use up much of my juice.

*R is for “Raclette.”  Foodie pen names need foodie middle names: it’s a melty cheese that’s traditionally toasted in front of a fire, then served melted on potatoes with pickles. Yum, right?

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How to Write from All Five Senses

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I have a new article up at Indie Author News:

There’s a lot of good advice I didn’t take because I didn’t understand it at the time. Granted, taking advice before I’m ready for it isn’t smart–like taking the training wheels off my bike before I have a sense of balance. But now I have those training wheels off (although I haven’t stopped training), and I need to re-look at a lot of that advice.

Right now, I’m studying the use of all five senses in my writing. When I first heard the advice, I blew it off. “That’s so obvious, duh!” I said…but didn’t do it. Maybe because it never clicked. Maybe because it was explained poorly. Maybe because I wasn’t listening.

So why is it important?

Not because it makes my fiction “more realistic.” After all, it’s stuff we’ve made up; why is being “more realistic” important (especially in a fantasy or in a surreal work)?
It’s important because it’s easier to control your readers’ thoughts and feelings when you use sensory details. Or, if you want to sound less like a mad scientist and more like a literature professor, “to help your readers see the world in a new way.”

Granted, this comes out the morning after I just finished reading a Stephen King book, so I’m a bit depressed on my writing skills.  But the advice is really, really good.  And many thanks to Dean for giving it to me :)

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Free fiction up – two days only

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Apologies, I’m writing this ahead of time, because I’m actually at Pikes Peak Writers’ Conference.  April 21-22, my ebooks Beware the Easter Moon and Alien Blue should be free at Amazon only.  Pass the word!

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The Test

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New kids’ fiction now available from Amazon, Smashwords, and Barnes & Noble,with other sites to follow (Kobo, Apple, Sony).

I’m trying something new…

This is actually a two-story pack, with “The Test” and another kids’ story set in a fantasy world, “The Scaredy Wizard of Theornin.”  Both play around with Grimms’ fairy-tale themes.

The Test

by De Kenyon

Mari von Ingler is good for nothing, not making sausages or sewing a straight line or anything of use in her village, so her father arranges for her to be an apprentice to a mage…but only if she can pass the mage’s test.

But when the mage arrives, he only sends her out into the forest with no instructions but to come back and tell him whether she passed. She means only to stomp off into the woods and hide for an hour, but now she’s so lost that it would take magic to find her way back…

Mari von Ingler leaned gently against the warm white wall of the inn on the bench made out of half of a tree trunk that nobody but travelers sat on. She didn’t dare move an inch more, or the splinter poking through her thick wool skirt and linen underthings would bite her. She closed her eyes and tried to swallow back the rotten taste in her mouth. She wished she hadn’t eaten Mama’s good food; she wished she couldn’t smell the roast turning on the spit, inside the inn.

Continue reading

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Beware the Easter Moon

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New fiction!  This is another book that’s going up on Kindle Direct Select, which means I’m leaving it up there exclusively for three months (until July 9).  I’ll announce when it’s available on other sites, but for now it’s at Amazon.com.

If you buy an Amazon copy but need an additional file format, contact me at publisher [at] wonderlandpress [dot] com.

Inspired by a discussion with one of Ray’s school crossing guards about the madness that was Easter on her grandparents’ farm–including finding last year’s Easter eggs.  And from Britney’s mention that they put out 500 eggs for their day-care Easter party.  500!  Which only worked out to five eggs per kid.  The joke at the beginning…well, that’s from Lee, which should surprise nobody who knows him.

Beware the Easter Moon

by De Kenyon

Colin’s tired of Grandpa stealing kids’ chocolate Easter eggs.  So he hatches a plan to make his Granpa eat one of last year’s Easter eggs.  One of the regular kind.  That stinks when it gets rotten.

It was a terrible plan.  But it was also a great plan.

He just shouldn’t have gone outside at the farm to get the egg on the night of the full moon before Easter.

Colin sneaked out of his grandpa’s big old creepy white house with the tree branches that scratched the windows and the heaters that went hunk hunk hunk all night long while his pile of cousins slept, drooling and farting and snoring.

Grandpa didn’t lock his doors, because he lived a long ways away from anybody else, but his shotgun was on a shelf in the closet, too high to reach unless Colin dragged one of the big silver and green chairs out of the sunroom and into the entryway and stood on it to see. Grandpa always said it was for coyotes.

But all Colin wanted to do was get his egg.

Continue reading

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Can’t find your favorite authors at your library ebook site?

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Great!  Because the publishers don’t want you to.

Pikes Peak Library District is calling out big publishers about not providing library copies of ebooks…or charging over $100 a copy…or only letting the library check out the book 26 times before they charge the library for a new copy.

See their Facebook NOT eNOUGH page for a form letter to send to your favorite publisher today!

Or just pull off a copy of the letter here:

Join our letter-writing campaign!

Is your favorite author here?
Penguin Group (http://tinyurl.com/d8eaxb2)
Hachette Book Group (http://tinyurl.com/d9o65xy)
Simon & Schuster (http://tinyurl.com/d4q2zb)
Macmillan (http://tinyurl.com/c272f5f)

Send them this letter.

Ms./Mr. <insert author’s name>;

As a patron and supporter of libraries, I have long appreciated the opportunities that technology has granted libraries in the pursuit of providing information and entertainment to their patrons. The fact that we can access information 24/7 through our library’s website equates to a service of inestimable proportion. Likewise, the opportunity for libraries to share electronic copies of books – both in text and audio format – has been a great boon to the public’s ability to access information. Electronic reading devices, as you are well aware, are now a massive part of the way many people consume literature and information, and libraries need to be able to provide that content as they have always done. Over the last two years, the demand for eBooks has grown by leaps and bounds, and many library patrons are moving to eReaders as their choice for content delivery.

With that said, I want to express my displeasure with your publisher, <insert publisher’s name>. Rather than helping their longtime partners, public libraries, this publisher (and others like it) will not sell to public libraries. This disenfranchises public library users and cuts them off from your work. Patrons request that libraries provide this content constantly, but libraries have no recourse but to turn them away. Given the explosive growth of e-content, if public libraries cannot meet the needs of their patrons, libraries have less value in our communities. These publishers are, in effect, engaged in business practices directly detrimental to the survival of the public library in this country.

I understand that publishers are nervous about their property and intellectual rights – and authors are, too. What I do NOT understand, however, is why your publisher is apparently refusing to work with libraries at all in regard to e-content. There is already a secure DRM (Digital Rights Management) solution provided by all providers of e-content to libraries. I cannot believe that you, a popular author, do not want the public reading your materials, or to be able to borrow your materials, through the method that they prefer: from a public library.

I would ask you, as a prominent author, to bring pressure to bear on your publisher to open their e-content to public libraries. Failure to do so will deny public library patrons like myself access to your materials and other valuable content in the format that they desire. If the libraries of the future cannot provide content to patrons, they will truly die. That will be a very sad day for this country and for those who depend on the equitable access to information that they provide.

Sincerely,
<insert your name>

Pick your author, google them, and send them a nice letter.  More than likely, the author’s already on your side…and has a more direct line to the editors than you do.

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National Library Week, April 8-14

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What what what?  Why didn’t I know that National Library Week was coming up?  Because I’m an ungrateful wretch, that’s why.  Pass the word on!

You remember when you were a kid and the only place you could get book (aside from Christmas, maybe) was the library?  Yeah.

At Pikes Peak Library District, check out the Mountain of Authors program on April 14th, featuring Connie Willis.  Doors open at noon.  A ton of authors will be there, with panels on Thrill and Chills and epublishing, and a book signing at 5 p.m.

If you’re not local, join the Six Word Story contest on Twitter by tweeting your story with the hashtag #nlw6words; you’ll be automatically entered.  Results will be announced at atyourlibrary.org.  Write fast – you only have until Wednesday, April 11th to enter.

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